Who Am I?

Really, who am I in this vast world living among 7 billion and plus people with various talents and identities. I feel as if I’m no one. No one who matters even to friends and family, excluding my parents and brother. I’ve spent most of my life fighting a complex that constantly puts me down and degrades me to the point that I feel like even dirt has more importance than I do. There’s a constant competition between the world and I that I feel I’m losing. But I want to change that.

I’m a neophyte on WordPress. I’ve just started writing on this blog with the intention of exposing myself through my poetry, tangents, music recommendations, and other blog posts. But how much can I put out there before people get sick of my content? Well, that’s even if they bother with it in the first place. I really do want to make some impact on the people reading my blog. I want others, who my have similar thought patterns, to know someone is out there like them. Honestly, I really am anti-social or, perhaps I’m more socially awkward to the point that I avoid human interaction in my day to day life simply because I’m embarrassed of myself.

However, WordPress serves as an outlet for me where I can somewhat coherently get my thoughts out there for others to see. I’m not eloquent, but I do want to interact with a wider range of people and I do want to spread my ideas and see what others have to share as well. But the constant comparison and competition I feel deprecates that. I’m amazed to find that a few people have actually followed my blog and I whole-heartedly thank them for it. When I received my first follower, I was so excited and incredulous that I had to stop writing for a few moments as I was in such disbelief that someone out there liked my content enough to put up with it for more than just a post! Thank you so much for all the likes and thank you followers! But please comment more! I would love the feedback.

Still, I realize I’m not the brightest and most positive blog out there. I’ve looked through my followers blogs and others and feel their content is soooo much better that I can’t compete (Check some of them out under widgets on the main menu). For my blog, I feel quite selfish for just writing of myself and my problems though like I said before I hope that there’s someone like me who feels less alone and can connect to my blog on a personal level just like I have for other blogs.

As I write this, I remember Elisa Lam, a Canadian student aged 21, who died tragically inside a water tank at a Los Angeles hotel back in 2013. You may have heard about her, so I won’t go into too much detail especially since this post is getting too long and I mentioned her in another post, La Vie en… But be warned, that post was originally written last year at the height of my self-hate when my negativity was at a climax. But perhaps read it anyway as it will give you a glimpse of a past I want to move on from.

Thank you so much if you read this far! And please if it’s no trouble, leave a comment or feedback. I would greatly appreciate it.

This time I will leave a link to Elisa Lam‘s blog. Just click on her name!

 

 

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The Seasons Die Out, One After Another (Review)

Even though it says review in the title, I’m no music critic and especially not one of Japanese music though that would be quite awesome. I thought I would start writing about some music that I really love or that strike a chord within me. This is one of them.

This song is from the Japanese anime, Tokyo Ghoul, which I had the pleasure of starting and finishing a few weeks ago. This song serves as the second ending and is performed by a group called amazarashi. The Japanese title is 季節は次々死んでいく or when romanized, Kisestsu wa tsugitsugi shindeiku. I’m a sucker for any song that utilizes the piano and the strings interlaced with rock which the former is heard from the start. The heavy beats of the drums in the song serve as a build up to the chorus where everything, the melody, the vocals, the beat, and more come together wonderfully to produce this  steady tune that carries me away. Admittedly, one time I listened to it, I cried. I cried because I could feel the singer’s emotions and desires matching mine.

Image result for tokyo ghoul season 1 ending cards gifs

Main character, Kaneki Ken, in one of the Kisetsu endings

As a struggling poet, I love looking at lyrics to these songs whether they are in Japanese or English. It helps me feel inspired and also resonate with me as a lot of these lyrics speak to me on a personal level. The following is two sets of lyrics from different parts of the song that serve as excellent examples.

In order to uphold the unsteady fact that you’re “you”, your unstable ego ventures to despise you. If you were just able to sing, would the darkness be dispelled? Your life has been left up to a dream rotten at its core.


I address a poem of farewell to my loathsome past;

I have to abandon the remains of these terrible days-these horrid dreams…even if it kills me

In the next life, a flower will bloom to tell you a poem of transition;

Filled with suffering-grieving and moaning, but never dying out…even when starved of sunlight.

That ladies and gentlemen are the type of lyrics and poetry that I wish I could write and yet I believe I will never reach that level. This is why these set of lyrics speak to me because I’ve been so hard and so, oh so self-hating on myself. I find myself battling my inner demons 24/7 because I can’t be satisfied with myself. I can’t accept myself. I really want to let go of my “loathsome past” and move on to a more positive future no matter what troubles or hardships occur. I hope I am not the only one out there like this. But I hold the hope, just like in the second set of lyrics that despite drowning in all this negativity, I can still live on changing for the better just like the flower.

Thank you for reading and if interested, the link to the song’s music video is at the bottom. Mind you, it came from an anime so the video is a bit queer but still worth a listen to. Plus, there are English subtitles!

(Lyric credits go to lyrical-nonsense.com)

季節は次々死んでいくPV

Incomplete Galaxy

Another night with the stars gleam

In a Milky Way of butter cream

Within a child’s dream

Chocolate chips shoot across the sky

In a sketch of the galaxy

 

Sitting in  a world that’s lost all flavor

Bitterness is the only thing we savor

A lone girl wishes it to be over

Tasting once again the sweetness

The princess becomes a sweet menace

 

Nibbling on a parfait

She waits by the bay

 

When I’m Dead…

“When I’m dead,

Everyone will say that I was beautiful

That I was special;

And that they loved me

But now that I’m alive,

Everyone says that I am ugly;

That I’m just like everyone else;

And no one really shows that they love me

So maybe I ‘m better off dead;

Goodbye”

 

I didn’t come up with this quote, but I identify with it to some extent. Although, I doubt I will be beautiful in death just like how I know I’m ugly in life. I’m not like everyone else because I don’t feel human. I feel alien and outcasted. Being alive is definitely more tiring than being dead since the commonly held belief is that you enter an eternal slumber.

This quote served as the inspiration to one of my poem’s, The Little Alien. Please check it out if you have time.

Snippet of Writing Without Thinking

Subjective feelings are written across the page confusing the senses. The world turns it’s back on the aloof and misunderstood. Shrinking into the margins are lost compassions and hopes. With it disappears a future of dreams and the rest. Lots of love and ideals are never to be found again. But that sounds wrong. How depressing is that? So, what is your response to my writing without thinking (too much anyway) or pausing?

My Writing

Writers usually write from experience, right? Not just writers, but poets, lyricists, rappers, authors, etc. draw from their everyday life experiences to illustrate and bring a touch of their own personal spirit to their work. If they are good, you may hear that voice, thoughts, opinions, and maybe part of their life story. They sacrifice a part of themselves to be heard, to be felt, and to be recognized. It’s our job to reciprocate the feeling and make it clear that we hear them.

However, I’m different. I’m a closet-case, naïve, and undeniably ignorant in plenty of areas. And due to this, I must rely on my over-abundant imagination and musings of things never to be. I haven’t fallen in love nor do I believe I will engage in a romance. Alas, it also seems my years on this planet leaves me with plenty of things yet to be experienced, too. I’m also very lost.

So, how do I write and how am I inspired? By the stories and sentiments of others mixed in with my own subjective feelings and responses. My writing, poems, stories, and lyrics (okay, I try) is a melting pot of common themes; although there are odd ones, boiled into my own perspective and fantasies. The one thing that I lack is experience and perhaps the proper discipline to write intelligible lyrics. However, I strive to be able to input my own side to the story.

This competitive, cruel, smothering, albeit, loving story of this world inhabited by the most complex and strangest creatures in existence–humans. So, why not I try to gain a footnote at least? Who knows what may happen if I try?