I Don’t Know

Honestly, I don’t feel like writing a lot or at all, but it might make me feel better…

Hmmm…first there’s the heavy barbells of stress thrust upon me. Then the chains of what’s expected of me and what I should do/ Am I doing this for myself, for others, for the people around me? I don’t even know anymore.

What I do know is that I’m confused, stressed, and lost. I don’t want to feel this way but I still sink into self-destruction and push my negativities on others who may or may not be the cause of said negativities. I really thought I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go but not anymore. I feel blocked off and chastised to the point that I feel crushed. There’s a tightening in my chest that won’t go away and to put it simply, it hurts. I want it to stop, but I don’t know the cure or maybe I do, but can’t acquire it for one reason or another. What should I do? How should I do it? Will this be okay? Can you tell me? But all I can do is shut my mouth, let my sentiments boil over inside me, and wait to see and hear what I need to see and what I need to hear.

Crying After Thoughts

I just had a good cry. I was doing my homework when I felt a sudden urge to cry. I waited until I finished to lay down and just cry. I’m now listening to Standing Egg’s Nobody Knows (a Korean Indie group). The song pretty much matches my sentiments right now…

~sigh~

I’m sick of myself, but when have I EVER felt great about myself. I want to lose weight, I want to have semi-long hair, I want to be a bit lighter in color, I want this, I want that.

God, shut up! You’re such a…

I can’t write it down, but I will think it and plenty more. Don’t be so material…

Questions that may never be answered:

  • What good am I?
  • Why am I still here?
  • Why am I cold all the time?
  • Why have I been like this since the beginning?
  • Will I ever be the me I want?