Today was not my best day as I spent most of it secluded in my room without wanting much human companionship. It was at these times as I surfed my cell or binged watched American Horror Story with a dash of Sherlock that I wish I had a pet to keep me company. A dog or a cat would have been nice. They don’t judge or ask needless and annoying questions when you just want to be left alone in silence. Also, their lovable antics and comforting nature may have helped ease the negativity I felt yesterday afternoon and the majority of today. Even now I’m still recovering and wondering when I will fall into another bout of mental dissonance where my inferiority complex just takes over. I’m just hoping tomorrow will be better.
Okay, I’m back. I have to say I honestly don’t remember everything that I wrote a couple of days ago. I did take a peek, but I didn’t want to sully my mood (which is great, thanks!). I realized that day and even before than that another me—a more cruel and less understanding me existed. We all house a dark side and unfortunately I feel like that side is winning. The one consumed by my complex and insecurities, but instead of crumbling, she lashes out at others without really trying to think or understand others, especially ones that are foreign to her.
Ah, this is kind of weird, referring to myself like this, but in a way it’s true. But the me that I wrote about on the last page is the type of me that I need to beat the hell out of. That type of me needs to be put down and ignored. Still, I can’t get rid of her completely, at least not now. I have to take it in baby steps although I wish I could vanquish her now. At this very moment.
I slowly started to regain myself after binge-watching my favorite anime, Gintama. I was finally catching up on the episodes this past weekend and the usually comedic and at times ridiculous anime is going through a major serious phase. The past is clashing with the present, a major character died, and everyone seems to be in pain. One new character that stood out was Gintoki’s (one of the three main characters) mentor, Shoyou-sensei. I vaguely remember something that he said that got to me. Something like how we are all born with identities that we don’t like with weaknesses that we have to face, if not…
Unfortunately, I think I need to rewatch or look over what he said, but this is why I like Gintama. Despite its humour, ridiculousness, and general flippant nature, there are definitely moments that make you cry, that make you reflect, that gives you insight about life and people in general which can leave your emotions reeling. You could say, “It’s just an anime so chill”. But behind those characters is a writer, a mangaka—Sorachi Hideaki, who is real and conveys his sentiments through his work.
I don’t want to be like how I was the other day when I was starting to give up on humanity. Where everything was following the mainstream, where everyone only looked out for themselves and couldn’t or wouldn’t understand each other, where we are just sheep being lead around on tight collars. No, that type of me needs to be punched.
It can’t stay like this because I’m afraid that if I let that side win then who knows what may happen. I just hope that with God’s help that I can learn how to face myself and then eventually people as well as a me that I like. Wish me luck.
Honestly, I don’t feel like writing a lot or at all, but it might make me feel better…
Hmmm…first there’s the heavy barbells of stress thrust upon me. Then the chains of what’s expected of me and what I should do/ Am I doing this for myself, for others, for the people around me? I don’t even know anymore.
What I do know is that I’m confused, stressed, and lost. I don’t want to feel this way but I still sink into self-destruction and push my negativities on others who may or may not be the cause of said negativities. I really thought I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go but not anymore. I feel blocked off and chastised to the point that I feel crushed. There’s a tightening in my chest that won’t go away and to put it simply, it hurts. I want it to stop, but I don’t know the cure or maybe I do, but can’t acquire it for one reason or another. What should I do? How should I do it? Will this be okay? Can you tell me? But all I can do is shut my mouth, let my sentiments boil over inside me, and wait to see and hear what I need to see and what I need to hear.