Lately, a lot has been on my mind to the point that I haven’t really written much in the past few days. The exception to this has been my dreams and unfinished poems. I admit the majority of what I’ve thought about this past week has been about my complex, insecurities, BTS (and South Korea in general), life, people, and other smaller things. I don’t believe I write elegantly or coherently at times, but I hope that you, whoever may be reading this, can understand at least the general gist of what I’m getting at.
I’m weak. Let alone an utter waste of space. I wonder why I haven’t left this world yet? Why haven’t I received my deserved eternal slumber? Who knows. My inferiority complex is flaring up again like a bad skin wash that won’t go away. My mood is neither here nor there—basically I’m not sure what to feel. I’ve written or really rewritten a list on my phone that I lost when I switched Iphones. It’s a list of negatives that my complex had full control over. I won’t tell you what’s on it as it’s quite dark at times but trust me, you don’t want to know. There’s nothing new. At least nothing new that someone with my case has. I sigh, I cry, and I watch as others comfortably live their lives not feeling as wretchedly as I do with my life and myself really.
This leads me to why BTS keeps popping up—my insecurities. What a homogenous country they are from. Same faces, same skin, same eyes, same personalities and values. Despite striving so hard to stand out, to be different and fight against the mainstream, aren’t they all just the same in the end? Why should we trust that they will be any different that the “nation of one” produces? All I’ve seen and all I’ve read doesn’t change the fact about how basic and hypocritical they can and will be. Especially when they all constantly slash and burn me reminding me of my insecurities and eventually appealing to my complex. What is this? Why must I feel this way in a world dominated by standards I have no chance of meeting? No, it seems that despite your words and actions, I can’t bring myself to trust you yet. I like you and them but I have to close myself off to you all, so my hopes don’t fall flat, so I remain sane, so that I don’t get crushed under the weight of my complex and neverending insecurities.
I’m sorry for becoming ambiguous in my last paragraph, but honestly I kind of wanted it that way. But I don’t blame them for how I feel. I blame myself. Possibly we are all just products of our environment and become mislead clones of expected standards that society and people in general place for us. I don’t know. This is the price of overthinking. I wish I had someone to share these thoughts with, but there is no one. I’ve let some friends glimpse at some of my written work and thoughts but they don’t seem to understand the seriousness of it all or they are just like, “That’s nice.” It’s frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I like my friends, but there’s no one that seems to be on the same level as me. Someone that understands me and isn’t that what a lot of us want? To be understood? To be loved? To actually be happy with ourselves and others? But we are constantly disappointed and disillusioned to the extent that it builds up to the sort of things like depression, complexes, apathy, etc.
Last night, after watching a Buzzfeed video about the unfortunate death of Elisa Lam, a 21 year old Canadian student, I curiously looked her up and stumbled across her blog. And lo and behold, her thought process was similar to mine and I agreed with her on many things. But of course, she’s dead and so it seems the hope of finding anyone around me like her and some others, too. I just don’t know anymore…