La Vie en…

Lately, a lot has been on my mind to the point that I haven’t really written much in the past few days. The exception to this has been my dreams and unfinished poems. I admit the majority of what I’ve thought about this past week has been about my complex, insecurities, BTS (and South Korea in general), life, people, and other smaller things. I don’t believe I write elegantly or coherently at times, but I hope that you, whoever may be reading this, can understand at least the general gist of what I’m getting at.

I’m weak. Let alone an utter waste of space. I wonder why I haven’t left this world yet? Why haven’t I received my deserved eternal slumber? Who knows. My inferiority complex is flaring up again like a bad skin wash that won’t go away. My mood is neither here nor there—basically I’m not sure what to feel. I’ve written or really rewritten a list on my phone that I lost when I switched Iphones. It’s a list of negatives that my complex had full control over. I won’t tell you what’s on it as it’s quite dark at times but trust me, you don’t want to know. There’s nothing new. At least nothing new that someone with my case has. I sigh, I cry, and I watch as others comfortably live their lives not feeling as wretchedly as I do with my life and myself really.
This leads me to why BTS keeps popping up—my insecurities. What a homogenous country they are from. Same faces, same skin, same eyes, same personalities and values. Despite striving so hard to stand out, to be different and fight against the mainstream, aren’t they all just the same in the end? Why should we trust that they will be any different that the “nation of one” produces? All I’ve seen and all I’ve read doesn’t change the fact about how basic and hypocritical they can and will be. Especially when they all constantly slash and burn me reminding me of my insecurities and eventually appealing to my complex. What is this? Why must I feel this way in a world dominated by standards I have no chance of meeting? No, it seems that despite your words and actions, I can’t bring myself to trust you yet. I like you and them but I have to close myself off to you all, so my hopes don’t fall flat, so I remain sane, so that I don’t get crushed under the weight of my complex and neverending insecurities.

I’m sorry for becoming ambiguous in my last paragraph, but honestly I kind of wanted it that way. But I don’t blame them for how I feel. I blame myself. Possibly we are all just products of our environment and become mislead clones of expected standards that society and people in general place for us. I don’t know. This is the price of overthinking. I wish I had someone to share these thoughts with, but there is no one. I’ve let some friends glimpse at some of my written work and thoughts but they don’t seem to understand the seriousness of it all or they are just like, “That’s nice.” It’s frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I like my friends, but there’s no one that seems to be on the same level as me. Someone that understands me and isn’t that what a lot of us want? To be understood? To be loved? To actually be happy with ourselves and others? But we are constantly disappointed and disillusioned to the extent that it builds up to the sort of things like depression, complexes, apathy, etc.

Last night, after watching a Buzzfeed video about the unfortunate death of Elisa Lam, a 21 year old Canadian student, I curiously looked her up and stumbled across her blog. And lo and behold, her thought process was similar to mine and I agreed with her on many things. But of course, she’s dead and so it seems the hope of finding anyone around me like her and some others, too. I just don’t know anymore…

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Across the Divide

Again I stand across the divide

Heart pounding, nerves pumping

I can’t let go of this impossible burden

It seems I wasn’t too good at keeping you close

Keeping you loved

Keeping you understood

 

We’re alike and I

We shared an affinity for music

Your melody with my poetry created a song

A song that even the heavens were jealous of

Is that why we were cruelly ripped apart?

Were the angels jealous of what we created together?

Did the turn our harmony into empty chords?

 

Once again, I shout out to you across the divide

But you become glass—broken and still

Only reflecting me

I need you, please don’t leave me alone

In a world tuned out to comprehension

I thought we could create the perfect song

Still, we remain separated composing on divergent tracks

 

We are different you and I

I couldn’t overlook the physical despite our musicality

Your pale hands brushing the surface of the piano expertly

Stabs my broken heart with each note you play

Hammering out each difference day to day

Killing any thoughts of similarity

 

Once again, I shout out to you across the divide

But you become glass—broken and still only reflecting me

I need you, please don’t leave me alone

In a world tuned out to comprehension

I thought we would create the perfect song

Still, we remain separated composing on divergent tracks

 

I know you won’t come back

I know we will never be together again

I know you won’t forgive me

Our differences turned our song into a tragedy

That was my malady

 

I couldn’t reach you across the divide

Too white, too thin, too perfect to break

It mirrored what I couldn’t have

But mirrored what you had

That was my malady

My loss, your reward

And now it ends in a song of discord

Differences

Flower petals scatter in early Spring

Just as people scatter in the face of differences

I’m scared as I wonder through a homogenous ring

I’m at a loss at what to do, what to say

I’m different faced by their endless scrutiny

 

But you taught me that being different wasn’t something to fear

You stepped out of the crowd, you were just like them

But although I was unwilling and afraid of you—

You took my hand and guided me into a new world

 

Our hellos were the start to a new road

Differences clash to become one

Yet I still hesitate

I’m adamant about denying our similarities

Skin, hair, body, nationality, language

All so starkly different so why waste time?

Let’s go our separate ways to avoid the inevitable heartache

 

You are persistent

No matter my harsh words or the harsh truth facing us

The changes and differences don’t matter to you

Actually you embrace them as if their your own

You desperately try to teach me not to fear

What I was really afraid of was rejection out of hate

I struggle and struggle still trying to comprehend

 

But you continued to teach me that being different wasn’t something to fear

You stepped out of the crowd, you were just like them

But although I was unwilling and afraid of you—

You took my hand and guided me into a new world

 

Our hellos were the start to a new road

Differences clash to become one

Yet I still hesitate

I’m adamant about denying our similarities

Skin, hair, body, nationality, language

All so starkly different but—

Suddenly taking my hand once again

You teach me not to be afraid of heartache,

Not to be afraid of them,

And finally, not to be afraid of you

My Complex

Am I suppressing my feelings like…like–

“I suppressed my heart from getting passionate about limited things and things that won’t reach.

I tried to suppress myself without even understanding. Aren’t I the same as the adults I hated

and couldn’t forgive?”

I’m afraid of getting hurt? Of feeling inferior? So I close myself off. I don’t enjoy things to my full potential. When I smile, I quickly suppress it with fear of how it looks so unappealing and questions of “Should I be enjoying this? Do I have a right to like this? What’s wrong with you? How should I feel?

So, I crawl into my shell, only taking cautious glances and peeks. I can’t be like this, other people deserve this more than me. To me, it’s too far off and unreachable–what hope do I have when I feel so inadequate. Honestly, I don’t exactly understand why I have to be like this. I’m inadequate? Inferior? Worthless? Why do I feel the need to feel this way when no outside provocation was thrown at me? But, there is no denying it. This dark suffocating complex of mine has been growing and growing maliciously for years, ever since I became acquainted with it as a young child of 6.

It grow with me and matured with me and now I’m frighten that it will drown me. The words of others can’t penetrate my shell and when it does, I just quickly forget by accident. How pathetic am I?

I want to be saved, but I remain a stubborn moody bull. At this point, the only one that can save me is myself, but can I do that before I drown?

Marshmallows and Hot Cocoa

Snow floats softly from the pale grey sky. The world is encased in silence as we watch the wonder before us. My burnt skin stands in contrast to the pale you in this winter wonderland. Watching the you full of smiles, hugs that make me melt, and glances that make my heart flutter, I ask myself, “What did I do to deserve this?”

It’s a dream. A fantasy that belongs only to me–it’s too good to be true.

Shivers bring you closer–your warmth melting into mine. I push away saying I don’t want to be hurt. I ache all over knowing it won’t last. You’re too ideal for my imperfections. Why are you here with me? Why are you here? Why aren’t you with your Miss Right? I ache. I ache. I ache all over.

You attempt to pull me closer, but that makes the contrast between you and I stark–more obvious so that I cringe. My attempts to push you away makes us both fall–you on top of me. A marshmallow with hot chocolate. What did I do to deserve this? I’m trapped in a dream I can’t wake from. It’s wonderful! But why do I feel so bad? Cause I know I will get hurt. Cause your reassurances won’t last. Soon, Miss Right will take you away from this dream, from me, from your hot chocolate. The snow blinds me but not you. Not you–you can still see. Taking my hand in yours, you lead me deeper, irreversibly into this dream.

Mask

Hiding behind this mask is frustrating, but still-I lose myself in this crowd of drones

Similar styles, faces, bodies, and skin are drowning in a sea of clones

I wander along the edge, sickened with myself for not joining the jamboree

To be alike and not worry over differences, where everyone shows similarity

Feeling that sense of warm security

Feeling like you belong finally

Confidence is at last mine to have

My self-confidence is nonexistent

Lost at birth, never to be found intact

I dive into the crowd for that sole intent

Never knowing society’s deprecating contract

A part of me died selling my soul that lacked

What kind of existence do we live?

Just a secure and self-convenient state of living

But are you serious-are you kidding?

Pressure and stress converge and scheme

Creating only false illusions

False idols stuck in a delusion

Slowly, slowly rotting into dissolution

My self-confidence is nonexistent

Lost at birth, never to be found intact

I dive into the crowd for that sole intent

Never knowing society’s deprecating contract

A part of me died selling my soul that lacked

It existed once…my self-confidence

It was unhealthy living this life that way

It was suicidal but I dived anyway

The allure was too much

It was too much

But you saved me, my personal lifeguard

Thank you

My Shadow

Alone with my mirror

I see my shadow coming nearer

I can’t escape its grip

Its deathly suffocating

And really displeasing

But its stuck to me and me alone

 

Go away, go away is my neverending spell

But it never fades away

It’s always on my tail

Dragging me nearer to hell

Devouring every way

What can I do to be saved?

 

Alone with the moon

The day closes to soon

But still I see my shadow drawing nearer

An ugly, dark mass of complex anxieties

It claims to be me

It wants to be free

And slowly slowly it kills my passion

 

Go away, go away is my neverending spell

But it never fades away

It’s always on my tail

Dragging me nearer to hell

Devouring every way

What can I do to be saved?

 

Just accept your fate it says

Alone within this mental haze

Perhaps this is just a phase

So I’ll just give in for now

I will fall into its darkness

Fall into this blindness

To become nothing