Who Am I?

Really, who am I in this vast world living among 7 billion and plus people with various talents and identities. I feel as if I’m no one. No one who matters even to friends and family, excluding my parents and brother. I’ve spent most of my life fighting a complex that constantly puts me down and degrades me to the point that I feel like even dirt has more importance than I do. There’s a constant competition between the world and I that I feel I’m losing. But I want to change that.

I’m a neophyte on WordPress. I’ve just started writing on this blog with the intention of exposing myself through my poetry, tangents, music recommendations, and other blog posts. But how much can I put out there before people get sick of my content? Well, that’s even if they bother with it in the first place. I really do want to make some impact on the people reading my blog. I want others, who my have similar thought patterns, to know someone is out there like them. Honestly, I really am anti-social or, perhaps I’m more socially awkward to the point that I avoid human interaction in my day to day life simply because I’m embarrassed of myself.

However, WordPress serves as an outlet for me where I can somewhat coherently get my thoughts out there for others to see. I’m not eloquent, but I do want to interact with a wider range of people and I do want to spread my ideas and see what others have to share as well. But the constant comparison and competition I feel deprecates that. I’m amazed to find that a few people have actually followed my blog and I whole-heartedly thank them for it. When I received my first follower, I was so excited and incredulous that I had to stop writing for a few moments as I was in such disbelief that someone out there liked my content enough to put up with it for more than just a post! Thank you so much for all the likes and thank you followers! But please comment more! I would love the feedback.

Still, I realize I’m not the brightest and most positive blog out there. I’ve looked through my followers blogs and others and feel their content is soooo much better that I can’t compete (Check some of them out under widgets on the main menu). For my blog, I feel quite selfish for just writing of myself and my problems though like I said before I hope that there’s someone like me who feels less alone and can connect to my blog on a personal level just like I have for other blogs.

As I write this, I remember Elisa Lam, a Canadian student aged 21, who died tragically inside a water tank at a Los Angeles hotel back in 2013. You may have heard about her, so I won’t go into too much detail especially since this post is getting too long and I mentioned her in another post, La Vie en… But be warned, that post was originally written last year at the height of my self-hate when my negativity was at a climax. But perhaps read it anyway as it will give you a glimpse of a past I want to move on from.

Thank you so much if you read this far! And please if it’s no trouble, leave a comment or feedback. I would greatly appreciate it.

This time I will leave a link to Elisa Lam‘s blog. Just click on her name!

 

 

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The Seasons Die Out, One After Another (Review)

Even though it says review in the title, I’m no music critic and especially not one of Japanese music though that would be quite awesome. I thought I would start writing about some music that I really love or that strike a chord within me. This is one of them.

This song is from the Japanese anime, Tokyo Ghoul, which I had the pleasure of starting and finishing a few weeks ago. This song serves as the second ending and is performed by a group called amazarashi. The Japanese title is 季節は次々死んでいく or when romanized, Kisestsu wa tsugitsugi shindeiku. I’m a sucker for any song that utilizes the piano and the strings interlaced with rock which the former is heard from the start. The heavy beats of the drums in the song serve as a build up to the chorus where everything, the melody, the vocals, the beat, and more come together wonderfully to produce this  steady tune that carries me away. Admittedly, one time I listened to it, I cried. I cried because I could feel the singer’s emotions and desires matching mine.

Image result for tokyo ghoul season 1 ending cards gifs

Main character, Kaneki Ken, in one of the Kisetsu endings

As a struggling poet, I love looking at lyrics to these songs whether they are in Japanese or English. It helps me feel inspired and also resonate with me as a lot of these lyrics speak to me on a personal level. The following is two sets of lyrics from different parts of the song that serve as excellent examples.

In order to uphold the unsteady fact that you’re “you”, your unstable ego ventures to despise you. If you were just able to sing, would the darkness be dispelled? Your life has been left up to a dream rotten at its core.


I address a poem of farewell to my loathsome past;

I have to abandon the remains of these terrible days-these horrid dreams…even if it kills me

In the next life, a flower will bloom to tell you a poem of transition;

Filled with suffering-grieving and moaning, but never dying out…even when starved of sunlight.

That ladies and gentlemen are the type of lyrics and poetry that I wish I could write and yet I believe I will never reach that level. This is why these set of lyrics speak to me because I’ve been so hard and so, oh so self-hating on myself. I find myself battling my inner demons 24/7 because I can’t be satisfied with myself. I can’t accept myself. I really want to let go of my “loathsome past” and move on to a more positive future no matter what troubles or hardships occur. I hope I am not the only one out there like this. But I hold the hope, just like in the second set of lyrics that despite drowning in all this negativity, I can still live on changing for the better just like the flower.

Thank you for reading and if interested, the link to the song’s music video is at the bottom. Mind you, it came from an anime so the video is a bit queer but still worth a listen to. Plus, there are English subtitles!

(Lyric credits go to lyrical-nonsense.com)

季節は次々死んでいくPV

Is It Wrong to Love?

No, it isn’t wrong to love. To even think such a sentiment is actually quite upsetting. Still, certain situations have caused some of us to think such thoughts despite how irrational it can be. The love I’m talking about here is the romantic type of love, not the familial type of love related between parent and child or close relations. It is slightly maddening to think how simple love can be yet how intricate it unravels to be due to our perception and misgivings about our own feelings. Maybe it’s due to loving someone who you know loves someone else or maybe your love interest is also being loved by a close friend of yours. Or maybe due to your circumstances, you feel inadequate to love someone in a higher position or standing than you. And yet, we can also point out physical and personality differences that can make you feel limited and annoyed with yourself for even fancying the idea of loving this person, let alone allowing your emotions for him or her to run free.

Yet, I still believe that no matter your position, status, appearance, personality, and other such barriers, there is no reason you should feel the way you do. No one should make you feel inadequate or limited by supposed obstacles such as these. Just love. It is better than the alternative of suppressing your emotions and turning into an apathetic mess because no matter how hard you try to cast aside your emotions, they always strike back in full force when you least expect it. It is easy to be embarrassed by them and worry over how others will perceive you. But you know what? Who cares? What do they matter to you in your life? Ultimately, it is your decision and your feelings. It is your own way of thinking that shouldn’t be set to some other person’s standards only fail to reach the bar. In this society, we should love who we choose without feeling abashed or disgusted with our own feelings. But then again, perhaps it is just me.

Is it wrong to love? Yes, for me it is. That is my own self-imposed enigma I have embedded in my thoughts. It is hypocritical, I know. But I feel as if my inadequacy and self-worth as a human is too low to properly love someone else. I can’t. Someone who looks like me, thinks like me, does like me should not love someone such as that. And so, I desperately try to purge my emotions because I do not see a need to have them when I know I will only feel incredibly stupid in the end. What a loser I am. Is there anyone else out there who shares the same sentiments? But I guess not.

Thank you for reading this far if you did.

Is it wrong to feel like this? Is it wrong to love like this?

The Younger Me

Sometimes I feel as if I have a lost child trapped in my body (or mind, I guess?). She’s around 6, kind of tall for her age, dark brown skin matching the color of dark chocolate and perhaps a bit of the taste, too. Basically, she’s me and she’s freaking lost.

Still naïve, still hoping, still clutching to nameless ideals that only have spark since it’s out of reach. The child within me is restless. On the other hand, she’s critical and contemplates way more than the usual kid. Holding a relatively quiet nature, she observes and thinks over every detail despite herself. But she’s still a child, so she promptly forgets, pushes those thoughts to unattainable corners of her mind, and goes out to play hide and seek.

She quickly notices stark differences in herself and others. She doesn’t quite understand all that she sees, she only knows that she isn’t like them—at least on the physical part. The 6 year old races off to ask her mother about why she isn’t like this or that. Mommy, why isn’t my hair like that? Mommy, why isn’t my skin like that?? Mommy? Mommy, why? Her mother explains that that’s how God made it. He made us all unique and special. The child is satisfied and goes back to playing dolls and house. But not for long.

 

Love Tangent

Hello, it has been a while and I’m sorry for that. I tried writing a set of lyrics just now, but I’m stuck. I have an idea in my head, but I’m not sure how to write it out. Has it been too long? Or is it writer’s block? I know I suck, but I wish to be decent at something. But it’s either laziness or sleepiness that gets me either way and I’m sick of it, especially with the latter. I just want to sleep, but I have to do this—I can’t give up. Plus, stupid school work hinders me from taking a nap or having decent sleep (…capitalism…).

Alright, ignore that last bit. The topic of my lyrics that I wanted to explore is love. How original! But seriously, I wanted to tell the story of never being in love before. I’m not sure if I’ve had a proper crush (maybe 2? But how am I sure…both were years ago). Since I’ve never been in love before, how do I know, as the youngsters say these days, when I’ve “fallen head over heels” for someone? I really don’t know and I’m confused. Is this admiration even love? Is love admiration? What’s the definition of love? Better yet, what feelings and actions are associated with love? I could go on.

I mean, we have all these songs about love and I look at the lyrics, but I’m still as clueless and nonplussed as ever. What is it that people actually want? Sometimes conflicting. For example, one artist can weave together such a wonderful love story, but then claims to not want a relationship right now. It almost seems the artist’s lyrics tell another story entirely. We all want to be loved and love others in turn, but do we truly know what that is? Or how to do that? Am I just full of it? Am I a hypocrite? Probably (sigh), I don’t know. I mean I’ve written about love before, but I have no experience with it besides family-based love. I’m talking about the romantic love that supposedly makes your heart beat fast, makes you act quite stupid, makes you think about that “special” someone 24/7, etc. Don’t worry, I’m not aromantic (although, maybe demiromantic??). I definitely want a boyfriend and the husband one day. Due to watching romantic-comedies and listening to love songs has caused me to be in a somewhat love-wanting mood. But then my complex rears its ugly head in my face and sneers, “No one will ever love you like that, so don’t bother. Just drown in love songs and movies—that’s the closest you will get to love.”

Yup, pretty accurate. Still, I want to search for love. I want to understand what it is. Maybe I should dissect it? Should I take out my scientist goggles and gloves? Perhaps I should just wait and see? I’m too indecisive and hesitant, not to mention that my complex is riding on my back. Although, what I do know is that this did (hopefully) help me with my lyrics. We will see. “Always write from experience,” someone once said. But on whose experience? Mine, yours, his, hers? Can I write and convey to others words, lyrics, phrases, etc. that some can not do for one reason or another? I hope…I hope….geez, I think too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accepting My Complex

So, hello. It has been a few days. We are on Spring Break now, so I’ve been relaxing and neglecting my work and writing in this journal. Forgive me. Anyways, I’ve been thinking (dangerous, I know), but I’ve come to a resolution. I’m just going to accept my inferiority complex. It’s just so much easier. I’ve been fighting it for a while now…well, actually for years.

Apparently, according to my mom, it may have started all the way back in kindergarten (so 5? 6 years old?). It seems I would ask for questions like, “Why isn’t my skin like that? Why isn’t my hair like that?” And here I thought it started in middle school (7th grade to be exact), but now it seems that about 2/3 of my life has been taken up by this complex and now with my insecurities are just the garnish.

I may have written about this more in my previous journal but I’m trying to be more upbeat and good-natured in this journal (I guess?). But please allow me to indulge in some negative emotions and thoughts from time to time since there is no way I can be content all the time (I wish). I mean what about you? Do you have any issues? Complexes? Insecurities? Doubts? Et cetera. I feel like besides me, no one or really I wish no one had any problems such as these since I don’t believe they should feel that way. Only I should feel this or that.

Honestly, I’m just tired. Tired of fighting it. Tired of deluding myself into thinking, “Oh, if I just lose weight I will be and feel prettier,” “If my skin was paler, would feel better about myself,” or “If my hair was longer and if I was shorter, I would feel beautiful,” etc.etc. Really? Even if I somehow managed to accomplish any or all of this I would feel like complete and utter trash, so what’s the point? It’s better this way, right?

This inferiority complex of mine is just something I should just learn to live with. I’m not saying I will get rid of it…to many things come natural to me:

~Comparing myself to people

~Not looking in the mirror properly

~Hating to take photos of myself (God. Just. No.)

~Putting myself down (Negative. Negative. Negative.)

~Knowing I’m just a burden

~Knowing my destiny is just to die (Question is when?)

~Knowing no matter what—I’m ugly, I’m inadequate, I’m a pig, I’m…. etc.etc.

Seriously, the list could go on and on, but I will stop for your sake and mine. It’s just so instinctual that it’s hard to give up. It’s like asking a sugar addict to give up sweets (I’m looking at you, Gintoki). My complex is now a habit which I can’t break…at least not easily or by myself. What to do but just accept it. I’m fatigued with battling it, so I accept it now to live with until I die.

But isn’t that just the same as giving up? Well, whatever. I may update you on how this acceptance is going. Now, as for my insecurities…do they tie into my complex (Most likely) or should I accept them separately? Let’s see…

It Can’t Go On Like This

Cooling the fiery passion within me

A sharp wind slaps me back to reality

What is this?

This unmistakable feeling of bliss

A catastrophic supernova awakens within me

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

I accepted humanity’s burden

 

We really aren’t good at living

We could go on believing

Hiding in our artificial world

Boldly running against the fold

But you know and I know

That the hypocrites was us—no

We are just liars protecting ourselves

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

We accepted humanity’s darkness

 

Insecurities tangle with ugly complexes

As we pull back with our reflexes

These burdens drive our lives banning us from

Understanding

Loving

Expecting

And from truly trusting ourselves in this society

 

But is living like this truly bliss?

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was finished

Humanity is accepted

 

There, this unmistakable feeling of bliss

Causes a catastrophic supernova to awaken within me

 

 

Cooling the fiery passion within me

A sharp wind slaps me back to reality

What is this?

This unmistakable feeling of bliss

A catastrophic supernova awakens within me

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

I accepted humanity’s burden

 

We really aren’t good at living

We could go on believing

Hiding in our artificial world

Boldly running against the fold

But you know and I know

That the hypocrites was us—no

We are just liars protecting ourselves

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

We accepted humanity’s darkness

 

Insecurities tangle with ugly complexes

As we pull back with our reflexes

These burdens drive our lives banning us from

Understanding

Loving

Expecting

And from truly trusting ourselves in this society

 

But is living like this truly bliss?

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was finished

Humanity is accepted

 

There, this unmistakable feeling of bliss

Causes a catastrophic supernova to awaken within me