Release

Today, I woke up early (around 7:30) for one of the few times since this Summer started. My usual time to get up would be around 10:30 on good days but typically I would be up by noon at the latest. I was kind of happy since I would have an early start to the day, though I didn’t sleep too well the previous night. And so, I ended up eating breakfast while watching some Youtube videos before starting this sort of vocal training for “belting” my voice. Honestly, I’m not totally sure what it means but it apparently helps with learning how to sing properly which is something I would love to do despite how poor I’d be.

Afterwards, I went ahead and posted my first ever poem to Wattpad after half-heartedly designing a cover for it. After publishing it, I browsed Wattpad a bit, specifically looking at the Watty’s (?) which are awards for published stories on the site. It made me feel…inadequate and unsure of myself, but I brushed these feelings aside since I reasoned that as a beginner and as someone who finally wanted to write something besides stupid fanfics that of course it would take time for me to grow. But perhaps those feelings stayed layered beneath the surface, as I will explain later.

So now it is past 12:30, going to 1:00, and now I want to dance. I’ve finally got back into dancing this week after managing to push myself to do it. Back in the day (2014/2015), I used to dance to Just Dance videos on Youtube, I even found the Japanese version of it, to which I was excited for. Now, I only dance to Kpop, though to the only group I really like (BTS). The past couple of days were great. I managed to dance for around about a couple of hours and felt wonderful to finally be moving like this again and hopefully shed some pounds in the process (Do Not Underestimate these Dances).

And yet, today, I just wasn’t feeling it. I only did one song, several times before quitting to watch silly and trivial videos of the group I was dancing to on Youtube. I was watching but not really watching as Youtube’s automatic play went from one video to the next. Gradually, my thought process went from here to there and somehow landed on the fanfic that one of my friends had written for me about this 7 member group I was languidly watching on the screen. I never asked for the story, but she wrote it anyway despite my vehement protests.

Honestly, recently it was really starting to bug me to the point that I wanted to get of it. Shred it. Burn it. Cut it up into small pieces. Whatever worked. Was this horrible of me? Perhaps, especially considering I wrote similar stories for a couple of other friends besides her as well and they all seemed to like them (despite how terrible I believe they were). Still, I may not have done what I did today if her stories were more sincere or even if she had given me another part to the story–a part that pretty much should have been written back months ago (nearly a year I think). I don’t mind fanfiction, honestly. It is a wonder and an amazement at what fans can come up with. To me, as long as you don’t disrespect or slander the actual people in the fanfic, then it’s okay. If that’s what you want to write then go ahead.

However, here I was around 3 pm, burning a fanfiction my friend had written for me in my backyard. It was the first time I had ever burned something, but after days of inquiring for a shredder that wouldn’t come forth, I took more drastic measures. I’m sure if my friend read this, she’d probably wouldn’t be too happy, but honestly I can’t be completely sure. She seems the type that didn’t really care that I had gotten rid of her stories (I told her I just didn’t have them anymore, not that I had burned them). The last part I had to pretty much drown in water, however, as my matches weren’t up to par. I watched these papers burn in that heart-shaped pan (coincidentally made in South Korea) with some satisfaction that I was finally rid of this silly story. I thought it would be some sort of release and a way to tell my brain to put away such frivolous and stupid thoughts related to this group and stories like this.

But now here I am. My emotions feel quite dead in a way. They are there. I laughed and joked around with my mom when she came back home and poked fun at some latest news on Trump jr.’s Email controversy. Yet, before that I had just gotten up from a nap that seemed to have left me feeling empty. Even as I write this, I’m sure you can sense the dryness in my words and the lack of emotional from any of this. I might as well be writing a short unbiased narrative on someone else’s day. I’m just here, typing away without much editing or looking back.

So, did my release work? Maybe with some more recollection along with time can give me that answer. For now, I sit here feeling as if I have vital emotions missing. Authentic ones, not just the ones for flattery or for show. Truthfully, I’m not sure if it was getting rid of that fanfic that did this to me. I’m a pretty temperamental person so my mood shifts from up to down a lot, not to mention my self-confidence and self-esteem are non-existent. I was already feeling not quite right while I danced today and perhaps even as earlier as the Wattpad event. Regardless, I don’t feel right, but that’s fine. This only shows what a terrible human being I am.

If you actually read this far. Thank you, I appreciate it. Please have a great day or night wherever you are.

P.S. For the fanfics that I wrote for my friends, I wish I could also delete them from this life, but they are my friends’ stories and so it is there decision to do what they want with them. (Hopefully nothing too stupid though).

Connection Rejection

I hated the mirror

And it hatted me

I hated this barrier

And it hated me

I hated feeling inferior

But it embraced me

I felt safe within its interior

Until you came along

 

At first only indifference

A simple detached greeting

Blank stares of apathy

There was no understanding

Too different for empathy

But we were just scared of rejection

If we tried to form a connection

 

Truthfully, I wanted to know you

Your voice, your interactions with others, your habits

All interested me, but was it true?

My trust in you crumbled to bits

It wasn’t true—none of it was true

Why did you lie?

 

At first only indifference

A simple detached greeting

Blanks stares of apathy

There was no understanding

Too different for empathy

But we were just scared of rejection

If we tried to form a connection

 

Don’t be so superficial

Surrendering to their words and lies

Becoming so artificial

Acting as a product of society’s ways

The media has turn you into their vessel

But I will believe in you until the end

I want to believe in you

 

Was it for protection?

Against yourself?

Against the competition?

I think I understand

I won’t be unkind

But I won’t remain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At last there’s no indifference

A complex warm greeting

Glances void of apathy

There was some understanding

Too different so we tried empathy

We were just afraid of dejection

When we formed our connection

 

 

 

 

 

Wait For Me

Hello, my friend how are you?

Please explain these unrestrained feelings

That are lingering and long overdue

My friend, this isn’t right

But today I must confess

That I love you even though I’m a mess

 

Please wait for me, I know—

I’m not a model or a 5-star actress

My messy hair and pimpled face say no

This leaves me in distress

I want to be your princess

But I’m too ugly for you now

So please wait for me

 

My friend, how do you do?

No matter how hard I try

These nonstop feelings want to continue

My friend, I want to quit

But today I must confess

That I love you even though I’m a mess

 

 

 

Please wait for me, I know—

You are a handsome superstar

Your photogenic hair and smile say no

My love is against the law

You’re a prince that’s for all

So I’m too ugly to compete for now

But please wait for me…wait for me

 

I won’t deny these emotions

But why now? Why not next year?

Right now I’m the fat and ugly edition

Who is among dolls that I’m sure you hold dear

Ah, I knew this was only fiction

I ready my surrender with a tear

 

Hello stranger, how have you been?
It’s no use, my heart thumps for you again

But I conceal these feelings that I’m sick of

I want to tune out love to the end

But my heart won’t mend

Still, I can’t say, “I love you”

So goodbye stranger, I wish you luck in love

 

Promise

I promise to be back tomorrow

To hold your hand once again

So promise me, don’t drown in sorrow

We have too much to regain

I promise I will be here for you to borrow

So promise me you’ll remain sane

 

Those dark times you had to face

And those tears you couldn’t trace

Were all for the sake of staying strong

But you know and I know that was wrong

Human beings are too fragile

Too volatile

To cycle through that lifestyle

But you only contract more and more

And struggle to fight your corrupted core

 

Your soundless scream breaks the silence

All I want to do is embrace the cold you

But you push back stuck in a trance

Consumed by lies burying what’s true

Self-hate and insecurities converge in a dance

So at the end of the day there’s nothing to do

But embrace the numb darkness that ensues

 

Day turns to an endless night

And you continue to struggle and fight

Not knowing that it’s futile

You protect yourself by remaining hostile

Stop! And listen to me

Don’t kill yourself to be free

Don’t kill yourself just to see

 

Your soundless scream breaks the silence

All I want to do is embrace the cold you

But you push back stuck in a trance

Consumed by lies burying what’s true

Self-hate and insecurities converge in a dance

So at the end of the day there’s nothing to do

But embrace the numb darkness that ensues

 

You finally accept and say goodbye

But tears flow as you break

You still believe your destiny is just to die

This realization only leads to a shocking heartache

But I won’t let you die

I won’t let you break

I will save you from this self-neurosis

Because—

 

I promise to be back tomorrow

To hold your hand once again

So promise me, don’t drown in sorrow

We have too much to regain

I promise I will be here for you to borrow

So promise me, you’ll remain sane

 

(Truthfully, I’m as broken as you are

Though our distance is far

I hope this resonates within you

As it will for others, too

So promise me to believe in living)

 

 

Sunday Brunch

The kitchen heats up with your skillful movements

Like a dancer waltzing across the stage

You handle the cutlery like a samurai

But handle the food with a mother’s care

 

It’s a Sunday brunch made with careful planning

For your love who is demanding

Although she didn’t feel the same

Although it was a danger to try again and again

Your strawberry pie finally melts her heart

 

She loves food, but not you

Crepes, muffins, parfaits, cakes

Makes her mouth water with hunger

You hate food but not her

Waffles, cupcakes, yogurt, pies

Make your stomach turn over

Still you love her

So you pick up your knife

To begin on creating your masterpiece

 

It’s a Sunday brunch made with careful planning

For your love who is demanding

Although she didn’t feel the same

Although it was a danger to try again and again

Your strawberry pie finally melts her heart

 

Spilled milk was cried over

She leaves your brunch

You realize your mistake

Changing for someone doesn’t mean a happy ending

You put down you knife

 

Returning to the kitchen was a burden

But enticed by a mother’s cooking kept you sane

As you fall in love once again

 

It’s a Sunday brunch made with careful planning

For your love who is demanding

Although she didn’t feel the same

Although it was a danger to try again and again

Your strawberry pie finally melted her heart

(And only that)

 

Differences

Flower petals scatter in early Spring

Just as people scatter in the face of differences

I’m scared as I wonder through a homogenous ring

I’m at a loss at what to do, what to say

I’m different faced by their endless scrutiny

 

But you taught me that being different wasn’t something to fear

You stepped out of the crowd, you were just like them

But although I was unwilling and afraid of you—

You took my hand and guided me into a new world

 

Our hellos were the start to a new road

Differences clash to become one

Yet I still hesitate

I’m adamant about denying our similarities

Skin, hair, body, nationality, language

All so starkly different so why waste time?

Let’s go our separate ways to avoid the inevitable heartache

 

You are persistent

No matter my harsh words or the harsh truth facing us

The changes and differences don’t matter to you

Actually you embrace them as if their your own

You desperately try to teach me not to fear

What I was really afraid of was rejection out of hate

I struggle and struggle still trying to comprehend

 

But you continued to teach me that being different wasn’t something to fear

You stepped out of the crowd, you were just like them

But although I was unwilling and afraid of you—

You took my hand and guided me into a new world

 

Our hellos were the start to a new road

Differences clash to become one

Yet I still hesitate

I’m adamant about denying our similarities

Skin, hair, body, nationality, language

All so starkly different but—

Suddenly taking my hand once again

You teach me not to be afraid of heartache,

Not to be afraid of them,

And finally, not to be afraid of you

The Push and Pull Method

A day like any other day begins

Looking into the mirror, I combat myself with a funny face

As my body is attacked with needles and pins

I pick up my bag, step out the door, and start my race

Today’s the day I confess

 

Sweet like sugar, but cold as snow

Boy, you’ve got me confused

Your eyes as dark as night but your smile is as bright as day

You’ve created the perfect push and pull method

It leaves me frustrated

But why does my heart feel so invigorated?

 

A lost boy wishing to show love

But not knowing how to convey it

Unwillingly pushes others away

Only to selfishly pull them close again

“I don’t want to be hurt again,” he whispers

So his love withers away like dead leaves

 

Today was the day I was going to confess

But walking with you down the halls

I only see the you who’s full of pain

I finally understand why you couldn’t love

You were scared of the pain of loving another

I mustered up the courage to hold your freezing hand

To heal you heart one step at a time

 

A lost girl wishing to heal love

But not knowing how to alleviate pain

I clumsily push others away

Only to selfishly pull them close again

“I don’t want to be hurt again,” I whisper

So my love begins to grow like a sapling

 

The day I confessed was the day your heart started to heal

We are both lost in a world corrupted by love

But as we hold hands with each step

I feel us getting closer and closer

To finding the truth of love and pain

 

A lost boy and girl search for answers

But not knowing how to find them—

We push and pull until we find each other

“I don’t want to be hurt again,” we whisper to each other

So our love intertwines to create our own solution