A Peek Into My Mind Currently

Hello, how is everyone? Are you well? I hope so as I am not feeling too well as per usual. I told myself I would write today on the blog since I hadn’t actually blogged recently excluding my music recommendation which kinda counts I guess. I wasn’t sure what I would write today though I had wondered if I should write down my hopes and ambitions on getting better through some sort of DIY rehabilitation for my complex and insecurities but they were once again attacked today leaving me in another self-hating- “You can’t do anything right” sort of mood.

To be frank, I don’t take compliments or any sort of positive statement on my looks/appearance. I hate my physical appearance. Period. Actually, I hate everything about myself. That mentality took its toll on me today when after washing my hair I had to put it up into a messy bun to let it air dry. Once my parents saw, they compliment on it a few times as my current long wavy hair is always set down. To me, I feel as if they make it a big deal and I wish the would only mention it once if at all. I’m the type of person that doesn’t like to much attention drawn to myself over something such as that and it embarrasses and exasperates me; although, admittedly I’m only usually like that towards my parents. Whenever a stranger compliment me in a similar manner, I just politely give them my thanks when in reality I want to correct them saying, “No, you’re wrong. Don’t say that when I know you’re just being polite.” Since I’m more open towards my parents, they get exactly what’s on my mind and of course they don’t like it and proceed to get upset and greatly disappointed with me. I even caught my mom saying as I left the kitchen, the scene of this confrontation, commenting on how that’s why I have no friends. That hurt. I think that’s the blow that got me the worse and still leaves me feel upset and taciturn towards my parents.

Amazingly, I do have some friends. Do I consider them all close? To be honest, perhaps one or two but I suppose for a person like me that’s all I need. Still, I constantly compare myself to people and measure up myself to friends of my friends and that’s where my cognition becomes conflicted. Not only that, but people I look up to or celebrities I like I begin to validate myself against them and think, “I’m so stupid acting the way I am. I’m such a loser acting like this compared to what they’ve been through.”

Overthinking like this and constantly comparing is a bad practice, but as I’ve said to my parents before–it’s like second nature to me now. Yes, I’ve been through this repetitive thought process for years so I feel as if all hope is lost in changing how I think or do. This comes just when I was thinking of working on some self-rehab to improve my mental and possibly physical condition and yet again, I’m regressing.

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure this will help. They say writing out your feelings and letting it out will allow some release of satisfaction and relief; however, I feel about the same. I’m even thinking that perhaps my parents are right. My personality just doesn’t seem suited for real life interactions, huh? Maybe I should go ahead and plan out my life as a future recluse or hikikomori (Japanese equivalent of a shut-in). I mean I know my love life won’t lead anywhere. Maybe due to my inferiority complex meshed with my insecurities but I’ve realized that I can’t really create feelings of romantic love. Normal love is fine. I love all kinds of people and places, but romantically? No. Although, I don’t believe I’m aromantic. This is evident by the amount of romance movies/dramas, daydreaming, and fanfictions I have written. Thus, the cause is my complex.

Well, I don’t want to bore you more with my dysfunctional mental life. In reality, I’m quite privileged and should feel blessed which I do, but I know I’m not appreciating it to the fullest. It is surprising that God hasn’t smited me down yet, or perhaps he knows that’s what I want. A useless human being like me is greatly confused as to why I’m STILL here when such great people that are my age or younger have passed on. Why? I certainly don’t deserve this life…

Thank you for reading all this way, if there is anyone even reading my post. Please leave a comment as any response is better than none, but it’s up to you. Or, and I know that it is a long shot, but maybe anyone out there feel similar to me? Though I suppose not.  Still, enjoy your night or day and take care of yourself and your life, please.

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Connection Rejection

I hated the mirror

And it hatted me

I hated this barrier

And it hated me

I hated feeling inferior

But it embraced me

I felt safe within its interior

Until you came along

 

At first only indifference

A simple detached greeting

Blank stares of apathy

There was no understanding

Too different for empathy

But we were just scared of rejection

If we tried to form a connection

 

Truthfully, I wanted to know you

Your voice, your interactions with others, your habits

All interested me, but was it true?

My trust in you crumbled to bits

It wasn’t true—none of it was true

Why did you lie?

 

At first only indifference

A simple detached greeting

Blanks stares of apathy

There was no understanding

Too different for empathy

But we were just scared of rejection

If we tried to form a connection

 

Don’t be so superficial

Surrendering to their words and lies

Becoming so artificial

Acting as a product of society’s ways

The media has turn you into their vessel

But I will believe in you until the end

I want to believe in you

 

Was it for protection?

Against yourself?

Against the competition?

I think I understand

I won’t be unkind

But I won’t remain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At last there’s no indifference

A complex warm greeting

Glances void of apathy

There was some understanding

Too different so we tried empathy

We were just afraid of dejection

When we formed our connection

 

 

 

 

 

Why Am I Like This?

This town is decorated with so many colours

Hues and pigments that cover the skin

I was too lost that I had to give in

Thinking black and white wasn’t a sin

 

In this white-splashed society, I feel my incompetence

Cursing my coal-burnt skin in repentance

Why am I like this?

Why are we like this?

I wander the streets contemplating my existence

 

Snow continues to fall and fall pointlessly

The soft paleness floats soundlessly

Tying me to another white day

Facing you again makes me delay

Your snow-stained skin marks my inferiority

I’m left intimidated seeking to hide away

In a fetal position remains insecurity

 

I’m a complete fool thinking I could be loved

Just like coffee needs sugar to not be hated

I fail to have any such sweetness to be shared

Bitter and dark can’t be saved

But I wish for that sweetness

I wish for that paleness

I wish I wasn’t just darkness

 

In this white-splashed society, I feel my incompetence

Cursing my coal-burnt skin in repentance

Why is it like this? Why am I like this?

Why are we like this?

I wander the streets contemplating my existence

 

Night arrives, the snow shower continues

Penetrating a shallow darkness

Wandering the streets eating an Oreo

Tossing the pale creaminess

Only darkens the scenario

Is this really okay?

 

Loneliness creeps up like a shadow

And the tears only follow

Hope was too much to swallow

I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t ready

Reluctantly I had to agree

That it was okay

 

In this white-splashed society, I feel my incompetence

Cursing my coal-burnt skin in repentance

Why did I accept it?

Why do we accept it?

I wander the streets contemplating our existence

 

 

The Little Alien

Lately, I’ve felt lonely. Do you know that saying—”I’m surrounded by so many people, but I feel like the most loneliest person in the world”? I share that feeling right now. On top of that, my complex is back in full force. I don’t know what to do. I want to discuss this with someone, but there’s no one. Not my family, not “friends”, and strangers will think I’m weird. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family and friends, but I can’t talk about it with them. Only in this journal I can freely say what I want without being judged or receiving empty advice.

Once again I stand at the mirror

If only things could be clearer

But the sunlight never reaches me

Only leaving me all the more inferior

This suffocating complex remains a barrier
Standing below others who were blessed with superiority

Smothers me until I can’t breath

This haze eats away any clarity

This pain similar to pulling out teeth

This loneliness that consumes my identity

Who am I? What am I?

 

A lonely alien holds a belief

I’m not human, she says in relief

Never will I reach their level, so why continue to try?

Resolving to uphold that complex, she continues to cry

She wants to be strong and happy

But it still throbs with painful scrutiny

 

Faking a laugh, faking a smile

I sing a false song all the while

I want to be like you

But I want to be me, too

This is the life I drew

 

It seems as if I’ve made a mistake

Of misguided actions in a lost world

I don’t have to be like this

But like a shell with one opening—I’m hollow

Only to be filled with more and more lies

Confusion and pain sets in

 

A lonely alien holds a belief

I was never human, she cries in disbelief

I will never ever reach the skies

Even if I try and try, for me it’s all lies

She continues to believe in that complex

She wants to be strong and happy

But only pain and loneliness reply

 

Faking a laugh, faking a smile

I sing a false song all the while

I want to be like you

But I want to be me, too

This is the life I drew

A life not worth it to continue

(Edit: It says journal in the beginning of the entry because this along with most of my poems on here were written between September of 2015 to the end of 2016).

Love Tangent

Hello, it has been a while and I’m sorry for that. I tried writing a set of lyrics just now, but I’m stuck. I have an idea in my head, but I’m not sure how to write it out. Has it been too long? Or is it writer’s block? I know I suck, but I wish to be decent at something. But it’s either laziness or sleepiness that gets me either way and I’m sick of it, especially with the latter. I just want to sleep, but I have to do this—I can’t give up. Plus, stupid school work hinders me from taking a nap or having decent sleep (…capitalism…).

Alright, ignore that last bit. The topic of my lyrics that I wanted to explore is love. How original! But seriously, I wanted to tell the story of never being in love before. I’m not sure if I’ve had a proper crush (maybe 2? But how am I sure…both were years ago). Since I’ve never been in love before, how do I know, as the youngsters say these days, when I’ve “fallen head over heels” for someone? I really don’t know and I’m confused. Is this admiration even love? Is love admiration? What’s the definition of love? Better yet, what feelings and actions are associated with love? I could go on.

I mean, we have all these songs about love and I look at the lyrics, but I’m still as clueless and nonplussed as ever. What is it that people actually want? Sometimes conflicting. For example, one artist can weave together such a wonderful love story, but then claims to not want a relationship right now. It almost seems the artist’s lyrics tell another story entirely. We all want to be loved and love others in turn, but do we truly know what that is? Or how to do that? Am I just full of it? Am I a hypocrite? Probably (sigh), I don’t know. I mean I’ve written about love before, but I have no experience with it besides family-based love. I’m talking about the romantic love that supposedly makes your heart beat fast, makes you act quite stupid, makes you think about that “special” someone 24/7, etc. Don’t worry, I’m not aromantic (although, maybe demiromantic??). I definitely want a boyfriend and the husband one day. Due to watching romantic-comedies and listening to love songs has caused me to be in a somewhat love-wanting mood. But then my complex rears its ugly head in my face and sneers, “No one will ever love you like that, so don’t bother. Just drown in love songs and movies—that’s the closest you will get to love.”

Yup, pretty accurate. Still, I want to search for love. I want to understand what it is. Maybe I should dissect it? Should I take out my scientist goggles and gloves? Perhaps I should just wait and see? I’m too indecisive and hesitant, not to mention that my complex is riding on my back. Although, what I do know is that this did (hopefully) help me with my lyrics. We will see. “Always write from experience,” someone once said. But on whose experience? Mine, yours, his, hers? Can I write and convey to others words, lyrics, phrases, etc. that some can not do for one reason or another? I hope…I hope….geez, I think too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accepting My Complex

So, hello. It has been a few days. We are on Spring Break now, so I’ve been relaxing and neglecting my work and writing in this journal. Forgive me. Anyways, I’ve been thinking (dangerous, I know), but I’ve come to a resolution. I’m just going to accept my inferiority complex. It’s just so much easier. I’ve been fighting it for a while now…well, actually for years.

Apparently, according to my mom, it may have started all the way back in kindergarten (so 5? 6 years old?). It seems I would ask for questions like, “Why isn’t my skin like that? Why isn’t my hair like that?” And here I thought it started in middle school (7th grade to be exact), but now it seems that about 2/3 of my life has been taken up by this complex and now with my insecurities are just the garnish.

I may have written about this more in my previous journal but I’m trying to be more upbeat and good-natured in this journal (I guess?). But please allow me to indulge in some negative emotions and thoughts from time to time since there is no way I can be content all the time (I wish). I mean what about you? Do you have any issues? Complexes? Insecurities? Doubts? Et cetera. I feel like besides me, no one or really I wish no one had any problems such as these since I don’t believe they should feel that way. Only I should feel this or that.

Honestly, I’m just tired. Tired of fighting it. Tired of deluding myself into thinking, “Oh, if I just lose weight I will be and feel prettier,” “If my skin was paler, would feel better about myself,” or “If my hair was longer and if I was shorter, I would feel beautiful,” etc.etc. Really? Even if I somehow managed to accomplish any or all of this I would feel like complete and utter trash, so what’s the point? It’s better this way, right?

This inferiority complex of mine is just something I should just learn to live with. I’m not saying I will get rid of it…to many things come natural to me:

~Comparing myself to people

~Not looking in the mirror properly

~Hating to take photos of myself (God. Just. No.)

~Putting myself down (Negative. Negative. Negative.)

~Knowing I’m just a burden

~Knowing my destiny is just to die (Question is when?)

~Knowing no matter what—I’m ugly, I’m inadequate, I’m a pig, I’m…. etc.etc.

Seriously, the list could go on and on, but I will stop for your sake and mine. It’s just so instinctual that it’s hard to give up. It’s like asking a sugar addict to give up sweets (I’m looking at you, Gintoki). My complex is now a habit which I can’t break…at least not easily or by myself. What to do but just accept it. I’m fatigued with battling it, so I accept it now to live with until I die.

But isn’t that just the same as giving up? Well, whatever. I may update you on how this acceptance is going. Now, as for my insecurities…do they tie into my complex (Most likely) or should I accept them separately? Let’s see…