Release

Today, I woke up early (around 7:30) for one of the few times since this Summer started. My usual time to get up would be around 10:30 on good days but typically I would be up by noon at the latest. I was kind of happy since I would have an early start to the day, though I didn’t sleep too well the previous night. And so, I ended up eating breakfast while watching some Youtube videos before starting this sort of vocal training for “belting” my voice. Honestly, I’m not totally sure what it means but it apparently helps with learning how to sing properly which is something I would love to do despite how poor I’d be.

Afterwards, I went ahead and posted my first ever poem to Wattpad after half-heartedly designing a cover for it. After publishing it, I browsed Wattpad a bit, specifically looking at the Watty’s (?) which are awards for published stories on the site. It made me feel…inadequate and unsure of myself, but I brushed these feelings aside since I reasoned that as a beginner and as someone who finally wanted to write something besides stupid fanfics that of course it would take time for me to grow. But perhaps those feelings stayed layered beneath the surface, as I will explain later.

So now it is past 12:30, going to 1:00, and now I want to dance. I’ve finally got back into dancing this week after managing to push myself to do it. Back in the day (2014/2015), I used to dance to Just Dance videos on Youtube, I even found the Japanese version of it, to which I was excited for. Now, I only dance to Kpop, though to the only group I really like (BTS). The past couple of days were great. I managed to dance for around about a couple of hours and felt wonderful to finally be moving like this again and hopefully shed some pounds in the process (Do Not Underestimate these Dances).

And yet, today, I just wasn’t feeling it. I only did one song, several times before quitting to watch silly and trivial videos of the group I was dancing to on Youtube. I was watching but not really watching as Youtube’s automatic play went from one video to the next. Gradually, my thought process went from here to there and somehow landed on the fanfic that one of my friends had written for me about this 7 member group I was languidly watching on the screen. I never asked for the story, but she wrote it anyway despite my vehement protests.

Honestly, recently it was really starting to bug me to the point that I wanted to get of it. Shred it. Burn it. Cut it up into small pieces. Whatever worked. Was this horrible of me? Perhaps, especially considering I wrote similar stories for a couple of other friends besides her as well and they all seemed to like them (despite how terrible I believe they were). Still, I may not have done what I did today if her stories were more sincere or even if she had given me another part to the story–a part that pretty much should have been written back months ago (nearly a year I think). I don’t mind fanfiction, honestly. It is a wonder and an amazement at what fans can come up with. To me, as long as you don’t disrespect or slander the actual people in the fanfic, then it’s okay. If that’s what you want to write then go ahead.

However, here I was around 3 pm, burning a fanfiction my friend had written for me in my backyard. It was the first time I had ever burned something, but after days of inquiring for a shredder that wouldn’t come forth, I took more drastic measures. I’m sure if my friend read this, she’d probably wouldn’t be too happy, but honestly I can’t be completely sure. She seems the type that didn’t really care that I had gotten rid of her stories (I told her I just didn’t have them anymore, not that I had burned them). The last part I had to pretty much drown in water, however, as my matches weren’t up to par. I watched these papers burn in that heart-shaped pan (coincidentally made in South Korea) with some satisfaction that I was finally rid of this silly story. I thought it would be some sort of release and a way to tell my brain to put away such frivolous and stupid thoughts related to this group and stories like this.

But now here I am. My emotions feel quite dead in a way. They are there. I laughed and joked around with my mom when she came back home and poked fun at some latest news on Trump jr.’s Email controversy. Yet, before that I had just gotten up from a nap that seemed to have left me feeling empty. Even as I write this, I’m sure you can sense the dryness in my words and the lack of emotional from any of this. I might as well be writing a short unbiased narrative on someone else’s day. I’m just here, typing away without much editing or looking back.

So, did my release work? Maybe with some more recollection along with time can give me that answer. For now, I sit here feeling as if I have vital emotions missing. Authentic ones, not just the ones for flattery or for show. Truthfully, I’m not sure if it was getting rid of that fanfic that did this to me. I’m a pretty temperamental person so my mood shifts from up to down a lot, not to mention my self-confidence and self-esteem are non-existent. I was already feeling not quite right while I danced today and perhaps even as earlier as the Wattpad event. Regardless, I don’t feel right, but that’s fine. This only shows what a terrible human being I am.

If you actually read this far. Thank you, I appreciate it. Please have a great day or night wherever you are.

P.S. For the fanfics that I wrote for my friends, I wish I could also delete them from this life, but they are my friends’ stories and so it is there decision to do what they want with them. (Hopefully nothing too stupid though).

Advertisements

Too Much

Did I ask too much?

Did I expect too much?

My heart strives to understand what went wrong

Maybe I was too forward?

Or really too weak?

Questions repeat in a constant cycle

But no answers come forth

 

Constraints link us with others

Just as it linked me to you

The times were sweet and warm

Our motto: Ignorance is bliss

We overlooked flaws and mistakes

As we were both too weak to confront them

But now the link is broken

 

Did I ask too much?

Did I expect too much

My heart strives to understand what went wrong

Maybe I was too forward?

Or really too weak?

Questions repeat in a constant cycle

But no answers come forth

 

The times turn bitter as each encounter leaves us sour

We grew tired of each other and drifted away

Promising we will meet again

That falls through as tomorrow changes into next year

Flowers die to be replaced by falling leaves

But why do I feel frozen in that time?

 

 

Did I ask too much?

Did I expect too much

My heart strives to understand what went wrong

Maybe I was too forward?

Or really too weak?

Questions repeat in a constant cycle

But no answers come forth

 

Constraints are a barrier between me and you

It becomes a web of social strain

We seek to gratify ourselves through others

That was my mistake, that was our mistake

We sought exaggerated expectations

Full of the ignorance of babes

Still, it would be nice to see you again

 

 

Did I ask too much?

Did I expect too much

My heart strives to understand what went wrong

Maybe I was too forward?

Or really too weak?

Questions repeat in a constant cycle

But no answers come forth

My Hope

Once again we meet by the window side. We stare pleasantly across the glass.

As usual you make faces as I laugh along with the beat of my earphones. Our

images connect in comprehension. But once again, it’s time for goodbyes. As

my music fades away, you fade along with it.

 

They say goodbyes are the start of a new beginning, but I believe we never ended.

I still hold a wish deep in my heart–a hope. My hope is that we will meet again. I’m

sure  of it as day turns to night. As sure as life and death. My hope continues to grow

as memories of you flood over our glass window. I may not have been able to hear.

You may not have been able to see. But I hope we will each be able to convey words

and images lost across that window side. Words and images that conveyed for the last

time a goodbye and you–my hope.

Salty Memento

Laying in my bed, I’m a slave to sleep

The drowsiness of another day’s burden weighs me down

The world too is carrying a burden

Only tangibly felt by the grey wet sky

As I lay consumed with a heaviness only my heart understands

My thoughts slowly turn to you

 

Fights, mocking music, and harsh words

Echo in my ears clenching my heart with unrest

Water drips contently down my nose into my mouth

A salty memento of you

 

I’ll admit, I was weak and selfish

I only thought of myself

Those gifts, those hugs, those exchanges of sweet words

Only served to gratify me, not you

Those memories of love combust  after one bad word, one bad joke

We fought, you disappear, I thought I understood, but it appears my heart doesn’t

 

Fighting mocking music and harsh words

Echo in my ears, clenching my heart with unrest

Water drips contently down my nose into my mouth

A salty memento of you

 

But these lost times of happiness

Can’t be lost in these bad days, these bad times

Your laugh and the way you cutely scrunch up your eyes

Your love of music and your affinity with ice cream

I miss them all

So please, let’s not leave behind bad memories

Let’s forget for now and create new memories

 

Memories of love are doused by tears

After one shy smile, after one good word

We surrendered, we came together, we thought we understood, but we didn’t—

Our hearts did