Release

Today, I woke up early (around 7:30) for one of the few times since this Summer started. My usual time to get up would be around 10:30 on good days but typically I would be up by noon at the latest. I was kind of happy since I would have an early start to the day, though I didn’t sleep too well the previous night. And so, I ended up eating breakfast while watching some Youtube videos before starting this sort of vocal training for “belting” my voice. Honestly, I’m not totally sure what it means but it apparently helps with learning how to sing properly which is something I would love to do despite how poor I’d be.

Afterwards, I went ahead and posted my first ever poem to Wattpad after half-heartedly designing a cover for it. After publishing it, I browsed Wattpad a bit, specifically looking at the Watty’s (?) which are awards for published stories on the site. It made me feel…inadequate and unsure of myself, but I brushed these feelings aside since I reasoned that as a beginner and as someone who finally wanted to write something besides stupid fanfics that of course it would take time for me to grow. But perhaps those feelings stayed layered beneath the surface, as I will explain later.

So now it is past 12:30, going to 1:00, and now I want to dance. I’ve finally got back into dancing this week after managing to push myself to do it. Back in the day (2014/2015), I used to dance to Just Dance videos on Youtube, I even found the Japanese version of it, to which I was excited for. Now, I only dance to Kpop, though to the only group I really like (BTS). The past couple of days were great. I managed to dance for around about a couple of hours and felt wonderful to finally be moving like this again and hopefully shed some pounds in the process (Do Not Underestimate these Dances).

And yet, today, I just wasn’t feeling it. I only did one song, several times before quitting to watch silly and trivial videos of the group I was dancing to on Youtube. I was watching but not really watching as Youtube’s automatic play went from one video to the next. Gradually, my thought process went from here to there and somehow landed on the fanfic that one of my friends had written for me about this 7 member group I was languidly watching on the screen. I never asked for the story, but she wrote it anyway despite my vehement protests.

Honestly, recently it was really starting to bug me to the point that I wanted to get of it. Shred it. Burn it. Cut it up into small pieces. Whatever worked. Was this horrible of me? Perhaps, especially considering I wrote similar stories for a couple of other friends besides her as well and they all seemed to like them (despite how terrible I believe they were). Still, I may not have done what I did today if her stories were more sincere or even if she had given me another part to the story–a part that pretty much should have been written back months ago (nearly a year I think). I don’t mind fanfiction, honestly. It is a wonder and an amazement at what fans can come up with. To me, as long as you don’t disrespect or slander the actual people in the fanfic, then it’s okay. If that’s what you want to write then go ahead.

However, here I was around 3 pm, burning a fanfiction my friend had written for me in my backyard. It was the first time I had ever burned something, but after days of inquiring for a shredder that wouldn’t come forth, I took more drastic measures. I’m sure if my friend read this, she’d probably wouldn’t be too happy, but honestly I can’t be completely sure. She seems the type that didn’t really care that I had gotten rid of her stories (I told her I just didn’t have them anymore, not that I had burned them). The last part I had to pretty much drown in water, however, as my matches weren’t up to par. I watched these papers burn in that heart-shaped pan (coincidentally made in South Korea) with some satisfaction that I was finally rid of this silly story. I thought it would be some sort of release and a way to tell my brain to put away such frivolous and stupid thoughts related to this group and stories like this.

But now here I am. My emotions feel quite dead in a way. They are there. I laughed and joked around with my mom when she came back home and poked fun at some latest news on Trump jr.’s Email controversy. Yet, before that I had just gotten up from a nap that seemed to have left me feeling empty. Even as I write this, I’m sure you can sense the dryness in my words and the lack of emotional from any of this. I might as well be writing a short unbiased narrative on someone else’s day. I’m just here, typing away without much editing or looking back.

So, did my release work? Maybe with some more recollection along with time can give me that answer. For now, I sit here feeling as if I have vital emotions missing. Authentic ones, not just the ones for flattery or for show. Truthfully, I’m not sure if it was getting rid of that fanfic that did this to me. I’m a pretty temperamental person so my mood shifts from up to down a lot, not to mention my self-confidence and self-esteem are non-existent. I was already feeling not quite right while I danced today and perhaps even as earlier as the Wattpad event. Regardless, I don’t feel right, but that’s fine. This only shows what a terrible human being I am.

If you actually read this far. Thank you, I appreciate it. Please have a great day or night wherever you are.

P.S. For the fanfics that I wrote for my friends, I wish I could also delete them from this life, but they are my friends’ stories and so it is there decision to do what they want with them. (Hopefully nothing too stupid though).

Is It Wrong to Love?

No, it isn’t wrong to love. To even think such a sentiment is actually quite upsetting. Still, certain situations have caused some of us to think such thoughts despite how irrational it can be. The love I’m talking about here is the romantic type of love, not the familial type of love related between parent and child or close relations. It is slightly maddening to think how simple love can be yet how intricate it unravels to be due to our perception and misgivings about our own feelings. Maybe it’s due to loving someone who you know loves someone else or maybe your love interest is also being loved by a close friend of yours. Or maybe due to your circumstances, you feel inadequate to love someone in a higher position or standing than you. And yet, we can also point out physical and personality differences that can make you feel limited and annoyed with yourself for even fancying the idea of loving this person, let alone allowing your emotions for him or her to run free.

Yet, I still believe that no matter your position, status, appearance, personality, and other such barriers, there is no reason you should feel the way you do. No one should make you feel inadequate or limited by supposed obstacles such as these. Just love. It is better than the alternative of suppressing your emotions and turning into an apathetic mess because no matter how hard you try to cast aside your emotions, they always strike back in full force when you least expect it. It is easy to be embarrassed by them and worry over how others will perceive you. But you know what? Who cares? What do they matter to you in your life? Ultimately, it is your decision and your feelings. It is your own way of thinking that shouldn’t be set to some other person’s standards only fail to reach the bar. In this society, we should love who we choose without feeling abashed or disgusted with our own feelings. But then again, perhaps it is just me.

Is it wrong to love? Yes, for me it is. That is my own self-imposed enigma I have embedded in my thoughts. It is hypocritical, I know. But I feel as if my inadequacy and self-worth as a human is too low to properly love someone else. I can’t. Someone who looks like me, thinks like me, does like me should not love someone such as that. And so, I desperately try to purge my emotions because I do not see a need to have them when I know I will only feel incredibly stupid in the end. What a loser I am. Is there anyone else out there who shares the same sentiments? But I guess not.

Thank you for reading this far if you did.

Is it wrong to feel like this? Is it wrong to love like this?

My Rambling Part 1

You say you can’t trust them but in reality, you are afraid. Afraid to get hurt, betrayed, and lost and confused again. So you tune out emotions and close yourself off to others and the world. But listen, you’re scared of the world? The world is scared of you, too. Stop lying to yourself saying we’re different, we wouldn’t get along, and we shouldn’t. Don’t forget that we are all human. Not robots. Not puppets. No, not even if they seem perfect or masters. They still feel, they have their own thoughts, wants, needs, life experiences, and more. Is life superficial at times? Yeah, but at some moments it has to. Just move on and let it flow.

But eventually you seem to succeed. Your emotions are dulled and you don’t enjoy things like you used, too? You’ve finally detached yourself from them to the point that there is an empty disconnection you can’t explain. You realize at last that you’ve run away–lost inside a maze of thoughts.

I sit down on a couple of steps on a cool February day after a week of missing something. What is it? Perhaps, my ability to see? Perhaps, my ability to understand? My emotions? Or something else? I don’t know. But sitting there and shifting through my thoughts, I had a long conversation with myself with the lyrics of songs guiding me.

People are people. We are all flawed beings just as lost and confused as lone babies in the nursery. We may act strong but truthfully we can’t stay that way. We breakdown like a rusted robot under the burden and weight of the things and people we all strong for. We don’t want them to worry nor get hurt by our behavior but in the end we somehow manage to do just that. When we try to fix it, we may end up wrong again. We really don’t know the world and at times I doubt we know ourselves either. What is it that we truly want?