오눌도, 내일을 위해서 힘냅시다.

For the sake of tomorrow, let’s do our best today, too.

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Who Am I?

Really, who am I in this vast world living among 7 billion and plus people with various talents and identities. I feel as if I’m no one. No one who matters even to friends and family, excluding my parents and brother. I’ve spent most of my life fighting a complex that constantly puts me down and degrades me to the point that I feel like even dirt has more importance than I do. There’s a constant competition between the world and I that I feel I’m losing. But I want to change that.

I’m a neophyte on WordPress. I’ve just started writing on this blog with the intention of exposing myself through my poetry, tangents, music recommendations, and other blog posts. But how much can I put out there before people get sick of my content? Well, that’s even if they bother with it in the first place. I really do want to make some impact on the people reading my blog. I want others, who my have similar thought patterns, to know someone is out there like them. Honestly, I really am anti-social or, perhaps I’m more socially awkward to the point that I avoid human interaction in my day to day life simply because I’m embarrassed of myself.

However, WordPress serves as an outlet for me where I can somewhat coherently get my thoughts out there for others to see. I’m not eloquent, but I do want to interact with a wider range of people and I do want to spread my ideas and see what others have to share as well. But the constant comparison and competition I feel deprecates that. I’m amazed to find that a few people have actually followed my blog and I whole-heartedly thank them for it. When I received my first follower, I was so excited and incredulous that I had to stop writing for a few moments as I was in such disbelief that someone out there liked my content enough to put up with it for more than just a post! Thank you so much for all the likes and thank you followers! But please comment more! I would love the feedback.

Still, I realize I’m not the brightest and most positive blog out there. I’ve looked through my followers blogs and others and feel their content is soooo much better that I can’t compete (Check some of them out under widgets on the main menu). For my blog, I feel quite selfish for just writing of myself and my problems though like I said before I hope that there’s someone like me who feels less alone and can connect to my blog on a personal level just like I have for other blogs.

As I write this, I remember Elisa Lam, a Canadian student aged 21, who died tragically inside a water tank at a Los Angeles hotel back in 2013. You may have heard about her, so I won’t go into too much detail especially since this post is getting too long and I mentioned her in another post, La Vie en… But be warned, that post was originally written last year at the height of my self-hate when my negativity was at a climax. But perhaps read it anyway as it will give you a glimpse of a past I want to move on from.

Thank you so much if you read this far! And please if it’s no trouble, leave a comment or feedback. I would greatly appreciate it.

This time I will leave a link to Elisa Lam‘s blog. Just click on her name!



The Seasons Die Out, One After Another (Review)

Even though it says review in the title, I’m no music critic and especially not one of Japanese music though that would be quite awesome. I thought I would start writing about some music that I really love or that strike a chord within me. This is one of them.

This song is from the Japanese anime, Tokyo Ghoul, which I had the pleasure of starting and finishing a few weeks ago. This song serves as the second ending and is performed by a group called amazarashi. The Japanese title is 季節は次々死んでいく or when romanized, Kisestsu wa tsugitsugi shindeiku. I’m a sucker for any song that utilizes the piano and the strings interlaced with rock which the former is heard from the start. The heavy beats of the drums in the song serve as a build up to the chorus where everything, the melody, the vocals, the beat, and more come together wonderfully to produce this  steady tune that carries me away. Admittedly, one time I listened to it, I cried. I cried because I could feel the singer’s emotions and desires matching mine.

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Main character, Kaneki Ken, in one of the Kisetsu endings

As a struggling poet, I love looking at lyrics to these songs whether they are in Japanese or English. It helps me feel inspired and also resonate with me as a lot of these lyrics speak to me on a personal level. The following is two sets of lyrics from different parts of the song that serve as excellent examples.

In order to uphold the unsteady fact that you’re “you”, your unstable ego ventures to despise you. If you were just able to sing, would the darkness be dispelled? Your life has been left up to a dream rotten at its core.

I address a poem of farewell to my loathsome past;

I have to abandon the remains of these terrible days-these horrid dreams…even if it kills me

In the next life, a flower will bloom to tell you a poem of transition;

Filled with suffering-grieving and moaning, but never dying out…even when starved of sunlight.

That ladies and gentlemen are the type of lyrics and poetry that I wish I could write and yet I believe I will never reach that level. This is why these set of lyrics speak to me because I’ve been so hard and so, oh so self-hating on myself. I find myself battling my inner demons 24/7 because I can’t be satisfied with myself. I can’t accept myself. I really want to let go of my “loathsome past” and move on to a more positive future no matter what troubles or hardships occur. I hope I am not the only one out there like this. But I hold the hope, just like in the second set of lyrics that despite drowning in all this negativity, I can still live on changing for the better just like the flower.

Thank you for reading and if interested, the link to the song’s music video is at the bottom. Mind you, it came from an anime so the video is a bit queer but still worth a listen to. Plus, there are English subtitles!

(Lyric credits go to lyrical-nonsense.com)


The 7 Golden Rules of Blogging

Great for me and any new and even more experienced bloggers.

Cristian Mihai

It’s Blogging Week here at Cristian Mihai blog (yeah, I don’t have a fancy name for my blog). We’ll talk about blogging, different tools that make blogging easier, and other stuff. The other stuff is mostly related to some of the do’s and don’t of blogging, what works and what doesn’t.

Everything you’re about to read is common sense. So, please, don’t expect some 3 step tutorial to gaining a billion followers.

And now for today’s post. 7 Golden Rules of Blogging.

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Mental Shutdown

Today was not my best day as I spent most of it secluded in my room without wanting much human companionship. It was at these times as I surfed my cell or binged watched American Horror Story with a dash of Sherlock that I wish I had a pet to keep me company. A dog or a cat would have been nice. They don’t judge or ask needless and annoying questions when you just want to be left alone in silence. Also, their lovable antics and comforting nature may have helped ease the negativity I felt yesterday afternoon and the majority of today. Even now I’m still recovering and wondering when I will fall into another bout of mental dissonance where my inferiority complex just takes over. I’m just hoping tomorrow will be better.

My Inspirations

Most of my inspirations when it comes to writing comes from the music and groups I listen to. Admittedly, I have a keen interest in Japanese and Korean culture and so I listen mostly to Japanese pop and rock music with the odd Korean group thrown in. Most of my poems have sprinkles of their influence here and there.

I have been listening to Japanese music regularly since the start of middle school so I’m more biased towards my Japanese groups than any Korean group I have encountered. The reason being is that I have only been listening to Korean music for a couple of years now and I only listen to two on a regular basis, so no, I’m not a rabid K-pop fan. Sorry if that disappoints. Though rather I like to admit it or not, both groups have had a great amount of influence on me.

Still, I wish people tried out their music especially Japanese music since I feel K-pop has been on the rise greatly but their neighbors seem to be struggling to claim a similar stardom.

Anyways, the little list of influences is as followed in no particular order…

Japanese Groups

  • Uverworld
  • Aqua Timez
  • Asian Kung-fu Generation

Korean Groups

  • BTS
  • J-rabbit

I’d like to thank all the groups for working hard in getting themselves out there enough to influence so many people like me. A loser like me feels unworthy to even like them and be inspired to express myself this way.

Is It Wrong to Love?

No, it isn’t wrong to love. To even think such a sentiment is actually quite upsetting. Still, certain situations have caused some of us to think such thoughts despite how irrational it can be. The love I’m talking about here is the romantic type of love, not the familial type of love related between parent and child or close relations. It is slightly maddening to think how simple love can be yet how intricate it unravels to be due to our perception and misgivings about our own feelings. Maybe it’s due to loving someone who you know loves someone else or maybe your love interest is also being loved by a close friend of yours. Or maybe due to your circumstances, you feel inadequate to love someone in a higher position or standing than you. And yet, we can also point out physical and personality differences that can make you feel limited and annoyed with yourself for even fancying the idea of loving this person, let alone allowing your emotions for him or her to run free.

Yet, I still believe that no matter your position, status, appearance, personality, and other such barriers, there is no reason you should feel the way you do. No one should make you feel inadequate or limited by supposed obstacles such as these. Just love. It is better than the alternative of suppressing your emotions and turning into an apathetic mess because no matter how hard you try to cast aside your emotions, they always strike back in full force when you least expect it. It is easy to be embarrassed by them and worry over how others will perceive you. But you know what? Who cares? What do they matter to you in your life? Ultimately, it is your decision and your feelings. It is your own way of thinking that shouldn’t be set to some other person’s standards only fail to reach the bar. In this society, we should love who we choose without feeling abashed or disgusted with our own feelings. But then again, perhaps it is just me.

Is it wrong to love? Yes, for me it is. That is my own self-imposed enigma I have embedded in my thoughts. It is hypocritical, I know. But I feel as if my inadequacy and self-worth as a human is too low to properly love someone else. I can’t. Someone who looks like me, thinks like me, does like me should not love someone such as that. And so, I desperately try to purge my emotions because I do not see a need to have them when I know I will only feel incredibly stupid in the end. What a loser I am. Is there anyone else out there who shares the same sentiments? But I guess not.

Thank you for reading this far if you did.

Is it wrong to feel like this? Is it wrong to love like this?