Release

Today, I woke up early (around 7:30) for one of the few times since this Summer started. My usual time to get up would be around 10:30 on good days but typically I would be up by noon at the latest. I was kind of happy since I would have an early start to the day, though I didn’t sleep too well the previous night. And so, I ended up eating breakfast while watching some Youtube videos before starting this sort of vocal training for “belting” my voice. Honestly, I’m not totally sure what it means but it apparently helps with learning how to sing properly which is something I would love to do despite how poor I’d be.

Afterwards, I went ahead and posted my first ever poem to Wattpad after half-heartedly designing a cover for it. After publishing it, I browsed Wattpad a bit, specifically looking at the Watty’s (?) which are awards for published stories on the site. It made me feel…inadequate and unsure of myself, but I brushed these feelings aside since I reasoned that as a beginner and as someone who finally wanted to write something besides stupid fanfics that of course it would take time for me to grow. But perhaps those feelings stayed layered beneath the surface, as I will explain later.

So now it is past 12:30, going to 1:00, and now I want to dance. I’ve finally got back into dancing this week after managing to push myself to do it. Back in the day (2014/2015), I used to dance to Just Dance videos on Youtube, I even found the Japanese version of it, to which I was excited for. Now, I only dance to Kpop, though to the only group I really like (BTS). The past couple of days were great. I managed to dance for around about a couple of hours and felt wonderful to finally be moving like this again and hopefully shed some pounds in the process (Do Not Underestimate these Dances).

And yet, today, I just wasn’t feeling it. I only did one song, several times before quitting to watch silly and trivial videos of the group I was dancing to on Youtube. I was watching but not really watching as Youtube’s automatic play went from one video to the next. Gradually, my thought process went from here to there and somehow landed on the fanfic that one of my friends had written for me about this 7 member group I was languidly watching on the screen. I never asked for the story, but she wrote it anyway despite my vehement protests.

Honestly, recently it was really starting to bug me to the point that I wanted to get of it. Shred it. Burn it. Cut it up into small pieces. Whatever worked. Was this horrible of me? Perhaps, especially considering I wrote similar stories for a couple of other friends besides her as well and they all seemed to like them (despite how terrible I believe they were). Still, I may not have done what I did today if her stories were more sincere or even if she had given me another part to the story–a part that pretty much should have been written back months ago (nearly a year I think). I don’t mind fanfiction, honestly. It is a wonder and an amazement at what fans can come up with. To me, as long as you don’t disrespect or slander the actual people in the fanfic, then it’s okay. If that’s what you want to write then go ahead.

However, here I was around 3 pm, burning a fanfiction my friend had written for me in my backyard. It was the first time I had ever burned something, but after days of inquiring for a shredder that wouldn’t come forth, I took more drastic measures. I’m sure if my friend read this, she’d probably wouldn’t be too happy, but honestly I can’t be completely sure. She seems the type that didn’t really care that I had gotten rid of her stories (I told her I just didn’t have them anymore, not that I had burned them). The last part I had to pretty much drown in water, however, as my matches weren’t up to par. I watched these papers burn in that heart-shaped pan (coincidentally made in South Korea) with some satisfaction that I was finally rid of this silly story. I thought it would be some sort of release and a way to tell my brain to put away such frivolous and stupid thoughts related to this group and stories like this.

But now here I am. My emotions feel quite dead in a way. They are there. I laughed and joked around with my mom when she came back home and poked fun at some latest news on Trump jr.’s Email controversy. Yet, before that I had just gotten up from a nap that seemed to have left me feeling empty. Even as I write this, I’m sure you can sense the dryness in my words and the lack of emotional from any of this. I might as well be writing a short unbiased narrative on someone else’s day. I’m just here, typing away without much editing or looking back.

So, did my release work? Maybe with some more recollection along with time can give me that answer. For now, I sit here feeling as if I have vital emotions missing. Authentic ones, not just the ones for flattery or for show. Truthfully, I’m not sure if it was getting rid of that fanfic that did this to me. I’m a pretty temperamental person so my mood shifts from up to down a lot, not to mention my self-confidence and self-esteem are non-existent. I was already feeling not quite right while I danced today and perhaps even as earlier as the Wattpad event. Regardless, I don’t feel right, but that’s fine. This only shows what a terrible human being I am.

If you actually read this far. Thank you, I appreciate it. Please have a great day or night wherever you are.

P.S. For the fanfics that I wrote for my friends, I wish I could also delete them from this life, but they are my friends’ stories and so it is there decision to do what they want with them. (Hopefully nothing too stupid though).

A Peek Into My Mind Currently

Hello, how is everyone? Are you well? I hope so as I am not feeling too well as per usual. I told myself I would write today on the blog since I hadn’t actually blogged recently excluding my music recommendation which kinda counts I guess. I wasn’t sure what I would write today though I had wondered if I should write down my hopes and ambitions on getting better through some sort of DIY rehabilitation for my complex and insecurities but they were once again attacked today leaving me in another self-hating- “You can’t do anything right” sort of mood.

To be frank, I don’t take compliments or any sort of positive statement on my looks/appearance. I hate my physical appearance. Period. Actually, I hate everything about myself. That mentality took its toll on me today when after washing my hair I had to put it up into a messy bun to let it air dry. Once my parents saw, they compliment on it a few times as my current long wavy hair is always set down. To me, I feel as if they make it a big deal and I wish the would only mention it once if at all. I’m the type of person that doesn’t like to much attention drawn to myself over something such as that and it embarrasses and exasperates me; although, admittedly I’m only usually like that towards my parents. Whenever a stranger compliment me in a similar manner, I just politely give them my thanks when in reality I want to correct them saying, “No, you’re wrong. Don’t say that when I know you’re just being polite.” Since I’m more open towards my parents, they get exactly what’s on my mind and of course they don’t like it and proceed to get upset and greatly disappointed with me. I even caught my mom saying as I left the kitchen, the scene of this confrontation, commenting on how that’s why I have no friends. That hurt. I think that’s the blow that got me the worse and still leaves me feel upset and taciturn towards my parents.

Amazingly, I do have some friends. Do I consider them all close? To be honest, perhaps one or two but I suppose for a person like me that’s all I need. Still, I constantly compare myself to people and measure up myself to friends of my friends and that’s where my cognition becomes conflicted. Not only that, but people I look up to or celebrities I like I begin to validate myself against them and think, “I’m so stupid acting the way I am. I’m such a loser acting like this compared to what they’ve been through.”

Overthinking like this and constantly comparing is a bad practice, but as I’ve said to my parents before–it’s like second nature to me now. Yes, I’ve been through this repetitive thought process for years so I feel as if all hope is lost in changing how I think or do. This comes just when I was thinking of working on some self-rehab to improve my mental and possibly physical condition and yet again, I’m regressing.

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure this will help. They say writing out your feelings and letting it out will allow some release of satisfaction and relief; however, I feel about the same. I’m even thinking that perhaps my parents are right. My personality just doesn’t seem suited for real life interactions, huh? Maybe I should go ahead and plan out my life as a future recluse or hikikomori (Japanese equivalent of a shut-in). I mean I know my love life won’t lead anywhere. Maybe due to my inferiority complex meshed with my insecurities but I’ve realized that I can’t really create feelings of romantic love. Normal love is fine. I love all kinds of people and places, but romantically? No. Although, I don’t believe I’m aromantic. This is evident by the amount of romance movies/dramas, daydreaming, and fanfictions I have written. Thus, the cause is my complex.

Well, I don’t want to bore you more with my dysfunctional mental life. In reality, I’m quite privileged and should feel blessed which I do, but I know I’m not appreciating it to the fullest. It is surprising that God hasn’t smited me down yet, or perhaps he knows that’s what I want. A useless human being like me is greatly confused as to why I’m STILL here when such great people that are my age or younger have passed on. Why? I certainly don’t deserve this life…

Thank you for reading all this way, if there is anyone even reading my post. Please leave a comment as any response is better than none, but it’s up to you. Or, and I know that it is a long shot, but maybe anyone out there feel similar to me? Though I suppose not.  Still, enjoy your night or day and take care of yourself and your life, please.

Is It Wrong to Love?

No, it isn’t wrong to love. To even think such a sentiment is actually quite upsetting. Still, certain situations have caused some of us to think such thoughts despite how irrational it can be. The love I’m talking about here is the romantic type of love, not the familial type of love related between parent and child or close relations. It is slightly maddening to think how simple love can be yet how intricate it unravels to be due to our perception and misgivings about our own feelings. Maybe it’s due to loving someone who you know loves someone else or maybe your love interest is also being loved by a close friend of yours. Or maybe due to your circumstances, you feel inadequate to love someone in a higher position or standing than you. And yet, we can also point out physical and personality differences that can make you feel limited and annoyed with yourself for even fancying the idea of loving this person, let alone allowing your emotions for him or her to run free.

Yet, I still believe that no matter your position, status, appearance, personality, and other such barriers, there is no reason you should feel the way you do. No one should make you feel inadequate or limited by supposed obstacles such as these. Just love. It is better than the alternative of suppressing your emotions and turning into an apathetic mess because no matter how hard you try to cast aside your emotions, they always strike back in full force when you least expect it. It is easy to be embarrassed by them and worry over how others will perceive you. But you know what? Who cares? What do they matter to you in your life? Ultimately, it is your decision and your feelings. It is your own way of thinking that shouldn’t be set to some other person’s standards only fail to reach the bar. In this society, we should love who we choose without feeling abashed or disgusted with our own feelings. But then again, perhaps it is just me.

Is it wrong to love? Yes, for me it is. That is my own self-imposed enigma I have embedded in my thoughts. It is hypocritical, I know. But I feel as if my inadequacy and self-worth as a human is too low to properly love someone else. I can’t. Someone who looks like me, thinks like me, does like me should not love someone such as that. And so, I desperately try to purge my emotions because I do not see a need to have them when I know I will only feel incredibly stupid in the end. What a loser I am. Is there anyone else out there who shares the same sentiments? But I guess not.

Thank you for reading this far if you did.

Is it wrong to feel like this? Is it wrong to love like this?

I’m So Done

Let’s see, today I wanted to say—I’m bloody tired of myself. I can’t lay down, be depressed, and back into a corner facing loneliness. I suck at love, fail at making and staying with friends, and my inferiority complex and social anxiety (awkwardness?) ruins my life. Damn, I hate this! I have it to the point that I’m cursing. I have to force myself to change. At this point, I’m facing a lifetime of frustration, anxiety, depression, loneliness, and who knows what else? So, let’s see where to start.

~First, start treating yourself better (don’t kill yourself through food hoping to get sick or get a heart attack)

~Get out more (w/ friends, do extra, take more walks)

~Get out of your comfort zone (basically do things you never did before or were scared or hesitant to do)

~Continue to write (it helps to express yourself when you can’t to family and friends)

~Work on that inferiority complex (Don’t embrace it or accept it or you will regret it.)

~Listen to Music (Drown in it and listen to what the artists are saying and REMEMBER: Uverworld and Aqua Timez!)

~Lastly, Don’t Give a Bloody Fudge (yes, fudge) About What Anyone Says or Thinks ( it gets exhausting and annoying real fast to the point that I’m now get pissed off with myself for caring and being limited)

Don’t lie down depressed and sad, get angry and mad then channel that into something good and productive! (To be continued)

Love Tangent

Hello, it has been a while and I’m sorry for that. I tried writing a set of lyrics just now, but I’m stuck. I have an idea in my head, but I’m not sure how to write it out. Has it been too long? Or is it writer’s block? I know I suck, but I wish to be decent at something. But it’s either laziness or sleepiness that gets me either way and I’m sick of it, especially with the latter. I just want to sleep, but I have to do this—I can’t give up. Plus, stupid school work hinders me from taking a nap or having decent sleep (…capitalism…).

Alright, ignore that last bit. The topic of my lyrics that I wanted to explore is love. How original! But seriously, I wanted to tell the story of never being in love before. I’m not sure if I’ve had a proper crush (maybe 2? But how am I sure…both were years ago). Since I’ve never been in love before, how do I know, as the youngsters say these days, when I’ve “fallen head over heels” for someone? I really don’t know and I’m confused. Is this admiration even love? Is love admiration? What’s the definition of love? Better yet, what feelings and actions are associated with love? I could go on.

I mean, we have all these songs about love and I look at the lyrics, but I’m still as clueless and nonplussed as ever. What is it that people actually want? Sometimes conflicting. For example, one artist can weave together such a wonderful love story, but then claims to not want a relationship right now. It almost seems the artist’s lyrics tell another story entirely. We all want to be loved and love others in turn, but do we truly know what that is? Or how to do that? Am I just full of it? Am I a hypocrite? Probably (sigh), I don’t know. I mean I’ve written about love before, but I have no experience with it besides family-based love. I’m talking about the romantic love that supposedly makes your heart beat fast, makes you act quite stupid, makes you think about that “special” someone 24/7, etc. Don’t worry, I’m not aromantic (although, maybe demiromantic??). I definitely want a boyfriend and the husband one day. Due to watching romantic-comedies and listening to love songs has caused me to be in a somewhat love-wanting mood. But then my complex rears its ugly head in my face and sneers, “No one will ever love you like that, so don’t bother. Just drown in love songs and movies—that’s the closest you will get to love.”

Yup, pretty accurate. Still, I want to search for love. I want to understand what it is. Maybe I should dissect it? Should I take out my scientist goggles and gloves? Perhaps I should just wait and see? I’m too indecisive and hesitant, not to mention that my complex is riding on my back. Although, what I do know is that this did (hopefully) help me with my lyrics. We will see. “Always write from experience,” someone once said. But on whose experience? Mine, yours, his, hers? Can I write and convey to others words, lyrics, phrases, etc. that some can not do for one reason or another? I hope…I hope….geez, I think too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

La Vie en… (Part 2)

Okay, I’m back. I have to say I honestly don’t remember everything that I wrote a couple of days ago. I did take a peek, but I didn’t want to sully my mood (which is great, thanks!). I realized that day and even before than that another me—a more cruel and less understanding me existed. We all house a dark side and unfortunately I feel like that side is winning. The one consumed by my complex and insecurities, but instead of crumbling, she lashes out at others without really trying to think or understand others, especially ones that are foreign to her.

Ah, this is kind of weird, referring to myself like this, but in a way it’s true. But the me that I wrote about on the last page is the type of me that I need to beat the hell out of. That type of me needs to be put down and ignored. Still, I can’t get rid of her completely, at least not now. I have to take it in baby steps although I wish I could vanquish her now. At this very moment.

I slowly started to regain myself after binge-watching my favorite anime, Gintama. I was finally catching up on the episodes this past weekend and the usually comedic and at times ridiculous anime is going through a major serious phase. The past is clashing with the present, a major character died, and everyone seems to be in pain. One new character that stood out was Gintoki’s (one of the three main characters) mentor, Shoyou-sensei. I vaguely remember something that he said that got to me. Something like how we are all born with identities that we don’t like with weaknesses that we have to face, if not…

Unfortunately, I think I need to rewatch or look over what he said, but this is why I like Gintama. Despite its humour, ridiculousness, and general flippant nature, there are definitely moments that make you cry, that make you reflect, that gives you insight about life and people in general which can leave your emotions reeling. You could say, “It’s just an anime so chill”. But behind those characters is a writer, a mangaka—Sorachi Hideaki, who is real and conveys his sentiments through his work.

I don’t want to be like how I was the other day when I was starting to give up on humanity. Where everything was following the mainstream, where everyone only looked out for themselves and couldn’t or wouldn’t understand each other, where we are just sheep being lead around on tight collars. No, that type of me needs to be punched.

It can’t stay like this because I’m afraid that if I let that side win then who knows what may happen. I just hope that with God’s help that I can learn how to face myself and then eventually people as well as a me that I like. Wish me luck.

 

 

My Ramblings Part 2

When it’s finally time to accept others, I experience a mental lockdown–a short-circuit of the nervous system. My brain refuses to take things as they are and breaks down comprehension into indiscernible broken pieces. Try as I might to piece them back together, it’s just a futile waste of time. So I retreat and plan a counter-strategy only to not return. I’m to fearful of the repercussions or is it myself that I’m really afraid of?

Is this okay? To live like this? In constant repetition of such thoughts? I feel as if I can’t trust myself, so I have no right to trust others. I’m insignificant, lost and missing pieces of myself, so I have no right to enjoy myself or others. I have to push myself to compensate for such things as that and more that I’m not letting on to. I push, pull, contract, and retract myself to the point that I break and submit to the tears I’ve been holding in for so long.

I’m glass. I break with the cracks being my tears. You may repair me but if I constantly break, you give up and I fall into ruin. This is unhealthy. But I myself must claw my way out of this state. Overthinking can be bad, but these thoughts of mine brought me to where I am today. They may have brought me down, caused mental breakdowns, and swamped me with tears, but they’ve also gave me fresh memories, expanded my views, proved to be a respite, and gave me brilliant solutions.

Still, I search for answers to questions like: Why am I like this? What do I want? What do people want? Are we really connected? I don’t know the solutions to these answers no matter how much I search and ask. That’s because I myself need to create and find my own answers. I’m a flawed being, missing essential parts and struggling to comprehend the world I’ve been dropped in. But then I stop with my self-consumption, look at people, and realize we are similar and in the same boat. And for now, that’s good enough for me. Thank you.