Is It Wrong to Love?

No, it isn’t wrong to love. To even think such a sentiment is actually quite upsetting. Still, certain situations have caused some of us to think such thoughts despite how irrational it can be. The love I’m talking about here is the romantic type of love, not the familial type of love related between parent and child or close relations. It is slightly maddening to think how simple love can be yet how intricate it unravels to be due to our perception and misgivings about our own feelings. Maybe it’s due to loving someone who you know loves someone else or maybe your love interest is also being loved by a close friend of yours. Or maybe due to your circumstances, you feel inadequate to love someone in a higher position or standing than you. And yet, we can also point out physical and personality differences that can make you feel limited and annoyed with yourself for even fancying the idea of loving this person, let alone allowing your emotions for him or her to run free.

Yet, I still believe that no matter your position, status, appearance, personality, and other such barriers, there is no reason you should feel the way you do. No one should make you feel inadequate or limited by supposed obstacles such as these. Just love. It is better than the alternative of suppressing your emotions and turning into an apathetic mess because no matter how hard you try to cast aside your emotions, they always strike back in full force when you least expect it. It is easy to be embarrassed by them and worry over how others will perceive you. But you know what? Who cares? What do they matter to you in your life? Ultimately, it is your decision and your feelings. It is your own way of thinking that shouldn’t be set to some other person’s standards only fail to reach the bar. In this society, we should love who we choose without feeling abashed or disgusted with our own feelings. But then again, perhaps it is just me.

Is it wrong to love? Yes, for me it is. That is my own self-imposed enigma I have embedded in my thoughts. It is hypocritical, I know. But I feel as if my inadequacy and self-worth as a human is too low to properly love someone else. I can’t. Someone who looks like me, thinks like me, does like me should not love someone such as that. And so, I desperately try to purge my emotions because I do not see a need to have them when I know I will only feel incredibly stupid in the end. What a loser I am. Is there anyone else out there who shares the same sentiments? But I guess not.

Thank you for reading this far if you did.

Is it wrong to feel like this? Is it wrong to love like this?

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Love Tangent

Hello, it has been a while and I’m sorry for that. I tried writing a set of lyrics just now, but I’m stuck. I have an idea in my head, but I’m not sure how to write it out. Has it been too long? Or is it writer’s block? I know I suck, but I wish to be decent at something. But it’s either laziness or sleepiness that gets me either way and I’m sick of it, especially with the latter. I just want to sleep, but I have to do this—I can’t give up. Plus, stupid school work hinders me from taking a nap or having decent sleep (…capitalism…).

Alright, ignore that last bit. The topic of my lyrics that I wanted to explore is love. How original! But seriously, I wanted to tell the story of never being in love before. I’m not sure if I’ve had a proper crush (maybe 2? But how am I sure…both were years ago). Since I’ve never been in love before, how do I know, as the youngsters say these days, when I’ve “fallen head over heels” for someone? I really don’t know and I’m confused. Is this admiration even love? Is love admiration? What’s the definition of love? Better yet, what feelings and actions are associated with love? I could go on.

I mean, we have all these songs about love and I look at the lyrics, but I’m still as clueless and nonplussed as ever. What is it that people actually want? Sometimes conflicting. For example, one artist can weave together such a wonderful love story, but then claims to not want a relationship right now. It almost seems the artist’s lyrics tell another story entirely. We all want to be loved and love others in turn, but do we truly know what that is? Or how to do that? Am I just full of it? Am I a hypocrite? Probably (sigh), I don’t know. I mean I’ve written about love before, but I have no experience with it besides family-based love. I’m talking about the romantic love that supposedly makes your heart beat fast, makes you act quite stupid, makes you think about that “special” someone 24/7, etc. Don’t worry, I’m not aromantic (although, maybe demiromantic??). I definitely want a boyfriend and the husband one day. Due to watching romantic-comedies and listening to love songs has caused me to be in a somewhat love-wanting mood. But then my complex rears its ugly head in my face and sneers, “No one will ever love you like that, so don’t bother. Just drown in love songs and movies—that’s the closest you will get to love.”

Yup, pretty accurate. Still, I want to search for love. I want to understand what it is. Maybe I should dissect it? Should I take out my scientist goggles and gloves? Perhaps I should just wait and see? I’m too indecisive and hesitant, not to mention that my complex is riding on my back. Although, what I do know is that this did (hopefully) help me with my lyrics. We will see. “Always write from experience,” someone once said. But on whose experience? Mine, yours, his, hers? Can I write and convey to others words, lyrics, phrases, etc. that some can not do for one reason or another? I hope…I hope….geez, I think too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

La Vie en… (Part 2)

Okay, I’m back. I have to say I honestly don’t remember everything that I wrote a couple of days ago. I did take a peek, but I didn’t want to sully my mood (which is great, thanks!). I realized that day and even before than that another me—a more cruel and less understanding me existed. We all house a dark side and unfortunately I feel like that side is winning. The one consumed by my complex and insecurities, but instead of crumbling, she lashes out at others without really trying to think or understand others, especially ones that are foreign to her.

Ah, this is kind of weird, referring to myself like this, but in a way it’s true. But the me that I wrote about on the last page is the type of me that I need to beat the hell out of. That type of me needs to be put down and ignored. Still, I can’t get rid of her completely, at least not now. I have to take it in baby steps although I wish I could vanquish her now. At this very moment.

I slowly started to regain myself after binge-watching my favorite anime, Gintama. I was finally catching up on the episodes this past weekend and the usually comedic and at times ridiculous anime is going through a major serious phase. The past is clashing with the present, a major character died, and everyone seems to be in pain. One new character that stood out was Gintoki’s (one of the three main characters) mentor, Shoyou-sensei. I vaguely remember something that he said that got to me. Something like how we are all born with identities that we don’t like with weaknesses that we have to face, if not…

Unfortunately, I think I need to rewatch or look over what he said, but this is why I like Gintama. Despite its humour, ridiculousness, and general flippant nature, there are definitely moments that make you cry, that make you reflect, that gives you insight about life and people in general which can leave your emotions reeling. You could say, “It’s just an anime so chill”. But behind those characters is a writer, a mangaka—Sorachi Hideaki, who is real and conveys his sentiments through his work.

I don’t want to be like how I was the other day when I was starting to give up on humanity. Where everything was following the mainstream, where everyone only looked out for themselves and couldn’t or wouldn’t understand each other, where we are just sheep being lead around on tight collars. No, that type of me needs to be punched.

It can’t stay like this because I’m afraid that if I let that side win then who knows what may happen. I just hope that with God’s help that I can learn how to face myself and then eventually people as well as a me that I like. Wish me luck.

 

 

Tangent on Positivity

Positivity doesn’t have to be something that’s hard to obtain. I believe it’s easy to be crushed by the pressures and stress society and the people around us push on us. Because of this, it may be easy only to look on the dark side of things and the demand only increases as the years pass.

But why does it have to be like this? I want to enjoy life, be happy-go-lucky and literally explode with euphoria. However, I fight with the temptation to drown in negativity, I’m struggling with the weight of the world on my shoulders, and tomorrow looks bleak, empty, and melancholic.

No, I can’t drown, nor should I just concede to the stress of negativity. That would be death. Because that’s not really living. Being positive isn’t hard, it may seem like it, but it’s not. But how to do it?

How to be positive (in no particular order)

  • Enjoy life’s little pleasures (ex: the warmth of the sun, waking up in the morning, flowers blooming near the sidewalk)
  • It could ALWAYS be worse
  • Comedy/Humor (exploit it!)
  • Music (listen to your favorite song/artists or listen to something completely nonsensical)
  • Indulge in your favorite hobby
  • Eat your favorite food
  • Talk to someone you are close with
  • Daydream
  • Create something/Be hands-on
  • Play with a pet (dog/puppy, cat/kitten, ferret, pig, etc.)
  • Don’t stick to negative thoughts no matter how tempting. Nothing comes from it.
  • Write or type it out (Like how I’m doing!)
  • Remind yourself that you are NEVER alone in this (I mean come on, there are 7 BILLION people on this planet. Chances are someone else is going through something similar or the same as you!)
  • Pray (even if you aren’t that religious, but I’m not forcing you)