It Can’t Go On Like This

Cooling the fiery passion within me

A sharp wind slaps me back to reality

What is this?

This unmistakable feeling of bliss

A catastrophic supernova awakens within me

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

I accepted humanity’s burden

 

We really aren’t good at living

We could go on believing

Hiding in our artificial world

Boldly running against the fold

But you know and I know

That the hypocrites was us—no

We are just liars protecting ourselves

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

We accepted humanity’s darkness

 

Insecurities tangle with ugly complexes

As we pull back with our reflexes

These burdens drive our lives banning us from

Understanding

Loving

Expecting

And from truly trusting ourselves in this society

 

But is living like this truly bliss?

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was finished

Humanity is accepted

 

There, this unmistakable feeling of bliss

Causes a catastrophic supernova to awaken within me

 

 

Cooling the fiery passion within me

A sharp wind slaps me back to reality

What is this?

This unmistakable feeling of bliss

A catastrophic supernova awakens within me

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

I accepted humanity’s burden

 

We really aren’t good at living

We could go on believing

Hiding in our artificial world

Boldly running against the fold

But you know and I know

That the hypocrites was us—no

We are just liars protecting ourselves

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

We accepted humanity’s darkness

 

Insecurities tangle with ugly complexes

As we pull back with our reflexes

These burdens drive our lives banning us from

Understanding

Loving

Expecting

And from truly trusting ourselves in this society

 

But is living like this truly bliss?

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was finished

Humanity is accepted

 

There, this unmistakable feeling of bliss

Causes a catastrophic supernova to awaken within me

 

 

 

Advertisements

La Vie en…

Lately, a lot has been on my mind to the point that I haven’t really written much in the past few days. The exception to this has been my dreams and unfinished poems. I admit the majority of what I’ve thought about this past week has been about my complex, insecurities, BTS (and South Korea in general), life, people, and other smaller things. I don’t believe I write elegantly or coherently at times, but I hope that you, whoever may be reading this, can understand at least the general gist of what I’m getting at.

I’m weak. Let alone an utter waste of space. I wonder why I haven’t left this world yet? Why haven’t I received my deserved eternal slumber? Who knows. My inferiority complex is flaring up again like a bad skin wash that won’t go away. My mood is neither here nor there—basically I’m not sure what to feel. I’ve written or really rewritten a list on my phone that I lost when I switched Iphones. It’s a list of negatives that my complex had full control over. I won’t tell you what’s on it as it’s quite dark at times but trust me, you don’t want to know. There’s nothing new. At least nothing new that someone with my case has. I sigh, I cry, and I watch as others comfortably live their lives not feeling as wretchedly as I do with my life and myself really.
This leads me to why BTS keeps popping up—my insecurities. What a homogenous country they are from. Same faces, same skin, same eyes, same personalities and values. Despite striving so hard to stand out, to be different and fight against the mainstream, aren’t they all just the same in the end? Why should we trust that they will be any different that the “nation of one” produces? All I’ve seen and all I’ve read doesn’t change the fact about how basic and hypocritical they can and will be. Especially when they all constantly slash and burn me reminding me of my insecurities and eventually appealing to my complex. What is this? Why must I feel this way in a world dominated by standards I have no chance of meeting? No, it seems that despite your words and actions, I can’t bring myself to trust you yet. I like you and them but I have to close myself off to you all, so my hopes don’t fall flat, so I remain sane, so that I don’t get crushed under the weight of my complex and neverending insecurities.

I’m sorry for becoming ambiguous in my last paragraph, but honestly I kind of wanted it that way. But I don’t blame them for how I feel. I blame myself. Possibly we are all just products of our environment and become mislead clones of expected standards that society and people in general place for us. I don’t know. This is the price of overthinking. I wish I had someone to share these thoughts with, but there is no one. I’ve let some friends glimpse at some of my written work and thoughts but they don’t seem to understand the seriousness of it all or they are just like, “That’s nice.” It’s frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I like my friends, but there’s no one that seems to be on the same level as me. Someone that understands me and isn’t that what a lot of us want? To be understood? To be loved? To actually be happy with ourselves and others? But we are constantly disappointed and disillusioned to the extent that it builds up to the sort of things like depression, complexes, apathy, etc.

Last night, after watching a Buzzfeed video about the unfortunate death of Elisa Lam, a 21 year old Canadian student, I curiously looked her up and stumbled across her blog. And lo and behold, her thought process was similar to mine and I agreed with her on many things. But of course, she’s dead and so it seems the hope of finding anyone around me like her and some others, too. I just don’t know anymore…

Stuck in Limbo

Cigarette smoke billows out of a lonely street corner

A lost soul wonders out

Not knowing if she’s dead or alive

The quiet empty streets don’t answer

The grey skies don’t answer

She remains lost

 

The lost soul doesn’t know what to do

Walking along a deserted path without a clue

Facing life was too painful

But death was too miserable

She wanted to be found dead or alive

Not stuck in limbo

With a vague memento

 

Pale faces emerge on a store window

She looks and sees no one but herself

Lost souls become a legion

Drifting throughout the town

Not sure if they are dead or alive

A lost soul watches but only sees herself

The quiet streets don’t answer

The grey skies don’t answer

They remain lost

 

The lost soul doesn’t know what to do

Walking along a deserted path without a clue

Facing life was too painful

But death was too miserable

She wanted to be found dead or alive

Not stuck in limbo

With a vague memento

 

The lost soul looks up as she walks

Demanding the grey sky to answer

Water dripping down her cheek is the only response

A lost soul wonders among the others

Still not able to see that she’s not alone

That they are one

 

The lost soul doesn’t know what to do

Walking along a deserted path without a clue

Facing life was too painful

But death was too miserable

She wanted to be found dead or alive

Not stuck in limbo

With a vague memento

 

Society’s Numbers

Starting a day full of repeated patterns and connections

Ends in a sigh as I am only reduced to a plain-faced number

In a sea of already condemned equations that society has placed on us

Our lives seem like nothing special

We are toyed into thinking that our status means nothing,

Our achievements mean nothing,

Our lives mean nothing

The media feeds off this desolation by pouring conflicting truths and lies

We take for granted

It forces us into forcing our way onto others

Climbing the crumbling stairs they built for us

This competition only has the corrupt and soon to be corrupted

And I ask, who’s fault is that?

Should I stand on a stage so you can validate me?

Must I be a movie star or singer beloved by all?

Do I have to be someone I’m not just to move you? To please you?

Aren’t I already shoved down into the depths of society

With the only light provided is by them?

And I ask, whose fault is that?

We live like this in order to survive

The mass media and society join in matrimony and sweep us in their arms—

Ready to begin an affair of oppression

Playing as judges already convicting us of being unworthy—

Proven to be guilty by blind scrutinizing eyes

As I’m cast aside with the rest

And peek up at the ones who survive—

I can’t help but ask, whose fault is that?

Whose fault is it?

Whose is it?

It’s ours.

(Victims of self-reproach)

Puppets

You say there’s no tomorrow

As if you’ve seen everything

Your arrogance and fear of the future

Matches the current state of the world

 

As humans, we’ve lost sight of

The meaning of the present

And forgotten our past

But let me give to you a today to cherish

 

Today, today store away your pride

Stop the act and hang up your Guy Fawkes mask

Don’t pretend to be strong with the rest

Performing on a crumbling stage

Puppeteered by our emotions

Still, do you wish to live like that?

 

Struggling for the sake of others

Struggling to make amends

Struggling just to protect ourselves

We suffer to remain strong for those purposes

However, it’s okay to relax

Okay to release those pent up emotions

It’s okay to cry through that smile

 

Today, today store away your pride

Stop the act and hang up your Guy Fawkes mask

Don’t pretend to be strong with the rest

Performing on crumbling stage

Puppeteered by our emotions

Still, do you wish to live like that?

 

Truthfully, you, I, him, her—

We are all in the same boat

Pretenders who claim to know the world

Only to face the naïve child who doesn’t know of

A past, present, and future

But still—

 

Today, today store  away your pride

Stop the act and hang up your Guy Fawkes mask

Don’t pretend to be strong with the past

Performing on a crumbling stage

Puppeteered by our emotions

Still, do you wish to live like that?

Do you?

Do you?

Christmas Wish

Bright and playful lights remind me once again Christmas has come.

It gives me a little present each time I step out the door.

Evergreens, frost, jingles, and carols are a welcome,

but quickly forgotten surprise.

 

I’ve been so busy that I’ve properly forgot how  to celebrate Christmas.

Others, too, when I look, are bustling along with their lives–

Caught in a stream of everyday worries, responsibilities, and stresses.

 

Frustrated, I try to remember a lost Christmas–

The smell of spiced cocoa wakes me up from my reverie

Peppermint stings my nose

As falling snowflakes give me shy winks

It’s cold outside, but my spirit is warm this season

 

The end of the year is upon us

But already we forget to take it slow

For the sake of our families, friends, and ourselves–

We need to remember the serene nature of the season,

Be grateful and reminisce

 

Asking me my Christmas wish one starry night, I answer–

Truthfully, I don’t know…

Snow? Presents? World peace?

Honestly, as long as we are happy, then I’m content

So–

 

Let’s drink cocoa by a warm fire and daydream of

The perfect Christmas

Snowflakes will greet us by the window

While our body heat keeps our spirits warm

During a cold season where we even forget ourselves

Eternal Rain

Sprinkling rain greets me outside this secluded building

It’s a cold shower of serendipity filled with blessings

How is it that rain can comfort me, but not people?

With that repetition, I become drenched at a standstill

This world can be cruel, but don’t forget about the people beside you

Don’t forget where you’re from

Don’t forget how far you’ve come

Don’t forget you who are

Don’t be blinded by all those stars

Don’t lose who you are

And don’t hate your scars

This rain only greets us with an empty pitter patter

Apathetic to our scattered existence

Serendipity arrives to ease the matter

Our spring begins in resistance

As this life goes on, its easier to lose ourselves

What is it that we truly want?

What is it that we really need?

Selfish desires and wishes that stab us in the end

Forces us to pretend and pretend

We lost sight of what we should treasure

And trashed people we should’ve never measured

Is it too late? Too late to escape this rain?

This rain only greets us with an empty pitter patter

Mocking our scattered existence

Serendipity tried to ease the matter

Our autumn begins a cleanse

Don’t cry, don’t worry

There’s always a sun for tomorrow

Don’t fret, don’t wail

Things like love, hope, and dreams are never lost

They always come back with some cost

But you just have to let the rain pass

This rain passes into snow

Melting kisses on my nose and toes

Serendipity arrived gifted in love

As memories of early Spring rain echo from above