Mental Shutdown

Today was not my best day as I spent most of it secluded in my room without wanting much human companionship. It was at these times as I surfed my cell or binged watched American Horror Story with a dash of Sherlock that I wish I had a pet to keep me company. A dog or a cat would have been nice. They don’t judge or ask needless and annoying questions when you just want to be left alone in silence. Also, their lovable antics and comforting nature may have helped ease the negativity I felt yesterday afternoon and the majority of today. Even now I’m still recovering and wondering when I will fall into another bout of mental dissonance where my inferiority complex just takes over. I’m just hoping tomorrow will be better.

Is It Wrong to Love?

No, it isn’t wrong to love. To even think such a sentiment is actually quite upsetting. Still, certain situations have caused some of us to think such thoughts despite how irrational it can be. The love I’m talking about here is the romantic type of love, not the familial type of love related between parent and child or close relations. It is slightly maddening to think how simple love can be yet how intricate it unravels to be due to our perception and misgivings about our own feelings. Maybe it’s due to loving someone who you know loves someone else or maybe your love interest is also being loved by a close friend of yours. Or maybe due to your circumstances, you feel inadequate to love someone in a higher position or standing than you. And yet, we can also point out physical and personality differences that can make you feel limited and annoyed with yourself for even fancying the idea of loving this person, let alone allowing your emotions for him or her to run free.

Yet, I still believe that no matter your position, status, appearance, personality, and other such barriers, there is no reason you should feel the way you do. No one should make you feel inadequate or limited by supposed obstacles such as these. Just love. It is better than the alternative of suppressing your emotions and turning into an apathetic mess because no matter how hard you try to cast aside your emotions, they always strike back in full force when you least expect it. It is easy to be embarrassed by them and worry over how others will perceive you. But you know what? Who cares? What do they matter to you in your life? Ultimately, it is your decision and your feelings. It is your own way of thinking that shouldn’t be set to some other person’s standards only fail to reach the bar. In this society, we should love who we choose without feeling abashed or disgusted with our own feelings. But then again, perhaps it is just me.

Is it wrong to love? Yes, for me it is. That is my own self-imposed enigma I have embedded in my thoughts. It is hypocritical, I know. But I feel as if my inadequacy and self-worth as a human is too low to properly love someone else. I can’t. Someone who looks like me, thinks like me, does like me should not love someone such as that. And so, I desperately try to purge my emotions because I do not see a need to have them when I know I will only feel incredibly stupid in the end. What a loser I am. Is there anyone else out there who shares the same sentiments? But I guess not.

Thank you for reading this far if you did.

Is it wrong to feel like this? Is it wrong to love like this?

Connection Rejection

I hated the mirror

And it hatted me

I hated this barrier

And it hated me

I hated feeling inferior

But it embraced me

I felt safe within its interior

Until you came along

 

At first only indifference

A simple detached greeting

Blank stares of apathy

There was no understanding

Too different for empathy

But we were just scared of rejection

If we tried to form a connection

 

Truthfully, I wanted to know you

Your voice, your interactions with others, your habits

All interested me, but was it true?

My trust in you crumbled to bits

It wasn’t true—none of it was true

Why did you lie?

 

At first only indifference

A simple detached greeting

Blanks stares of apathy

There was no understanding

Too different for empathy

But we were just scared of rejection

If we tried to form a connection

 

Don’t be so superficial

Surrendering to their words and lies

Becoming so artificial

Acting as a product of society’s ways

The media has turn you into their vessel

But I will believe in you until the end

I want to believe in you

 

Was it for protection?

Against yourself?

Against the competition?

I think I understand

I won’t be unkind

But I won’t remain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At last there’s no indifference

A complex warm greeting

Glances void of apathy

There was some understanding

Too different so we tried empathy

We were just afraid of dejection

When we formed our connection

 

 

 

 

 

Eve of May

May is around the corner and the weather is heating up along with people’s moods. I guess I’m part of that. I’m not melancholic but I’m optimistically pessimistic (does that make sense?). Honestly, I feel as if I have no place on this Earth. I feel as if I should have died already. Should I just do it myself? Should I? But I’m a coward and too lazy to make up a way to go relatively painlessly. I don’t see much of a future for myself. University? (Good luck). A job I actually like? (Laughable, I have no idea what I want to do). A husband? (Kill yourself. Don’t even fancy the thought). A social life? (Dead). Yes, I’m a complete failure of a human being and my supposed punishment is death.

Unfortunately, since that hasn’t happened yet, I’ve decided to accept my situation of being utter and complete trash now and for forever. I have to happily accept this prison-like destiny and wait for my just execution. Seriously, shake a noose around my neck and I won’t mind. Just finish it already, being happy with all of this is clearly a façade. A pathetic façade that I will accept with a sigh of defeat.

Cherry blossoms clear

Leaving a depressed me in tears

Wishing to join their death

 

 

 

The Younger Me

Sometimes I feel as if I have a lost child trapped in my body (or mind, I guess?). She’s around 6, kind of tall for her age, dark brown skin matching the color of dark chocolate and perhaps a bit of the taste, too. Basically, she’s me and she’s freaking lost.

Still naïve, still hoping, still clutching to nameless ideals that only have spark since it’s out of reach. The child within me is restless. On the other hand, she’s critical and contemplates way more than the usual kid. Holding a relatively quiet nature, she observes and thinks over every detail despite herself. But she’s still a child, so she promptly forgets, pushes those thoughts to unattainable corners of her mind, and goes out to play hide and seek.

She quickly notices stark differences in herself and others. She doesn’t quite understand all that she sees, she only knows that she isn’t like them—at least on the physical part. The 6 year old races off to ask her mother about why she isn’t like this or that. Mommy, why isn’t my hair like that? Mommy, why isn’t my skin like that?? Mommy? Mommy, why? Her mother explains that that’s how God made it. He made us all unique and special. The child is satisfied and goes back to playing dolls and house. But not for long.

 

Accepting My Complex

So, hello. It has been a few days. We are on Spring Break now, so I’ve been relaxing and neglecting my work and writing in this journal. Forgive me. Anyways, I’ve been thinking (dangerous, I know), but I’ve come to a resolution. I’m just going to accept my inferiority complex. It’s just so much easier. I’ve been fighting it for a while now…well, actually for years.

Apparently, according to my mom, it may have started all the way back in kindergarten (so 5? 6 years old?). It seems I would ask for questions like, “Why isn’t my skin like that? Why isn’t my hair like that?” And here I thought it started in middle school (7th grade to be exact), but now it seems that about 2/3 of my life has been taken up by this complex and now with my insecurities are just the garnish.

I may have written about this more in my previous journal but I’m trying to be more upbeat and good-natured in this journal (I guess?). But please allow me to indulge in some negative emotions and thoughts from time to time since there is no way I can be content all the time (I wish). I mean what about you? Do you have any issues? Complexes? Insecurities? Doubts? Et cetera. I feel like besides me, no one or really I wish no one had any problems such as these since I don’t believe they should feel that way. Only I should feel this or that.

Honestly, I’m just tired. Tired of fighting it. Tired of deluding myself into thinking, “Oh, if I just lose weight I will be and feel prettier,” “If my skin was paler, would feel better about myself,” or “If my hair was longer and if I was shorter, I would feel beautiful,” etc.etc. Really? Even if I somehow managed to accomplish any or all of this I would feel like complete and utter trash, so what’s the point? It’s better this way, right?

This inferiority complex of mine is just something I should just learn to live with. I’m not saying I will get rid of it…to many things come natural to me:

~Comparing myself to people

~Not looking in the mirror properly

~Hating to take photos of myself (God. Just. No.)

~Putting myself down (Negative. Negative. Negative.)

~Knowing I’m just a burden

~Knowing my destiny is just to die (Question is when?)

~Knowing no matter what—I’m ugly, I’m inadequate, I’m a pig, I’m…. etc.etc.

Seriously, the list could go on and on, but I will stop for your sake and mine. It’s just so instinctual that it’s hard to give up. It’s like asking a sugar addict to give up sweets (I’m looking at you, Gintoki). My complex is now a habit which I can’t break…at least not easily or by myself. What to do but just accept it. I’m fatigued with battling it, so I accept it now to live with until I die.

But isn’t that just the same as giving up? Well, whatever. I may update you on how this acceptance is going. Now, as for my insecurities…do they tie into my complex (Most likely) or should I accept them separately? Let’s see…

It Can’t Go On Like This

Cooling the fiery passion within me

A sharp wind slaps me back to reality

What is this?

This unmistakable feeling of bliss

A catastrophic supernova awakens within me

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

I accepted humanity’s burden

 

We really aren’t good at living

We could go on believing

Hiding in our artificial world

Boldly running against the fold

But you know and I know

That the hypocrites was us—no

We are just liars protecting ourselves

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

We accepted humanity’s darkness

 

Insecurities tangle with ugly complexes

As we pull back with our reflexes

These burdens drive our lives banning us from

Understanding

Loving

Expecting

And from truly trusting ourselves in this society

 

But is living like this truly bliss?

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was finished

Humanity is accepted

 

There, this unmistakable feeling of bliss

Causes a catastrophic supernova to awaken within me

 

 

Cooling the fiery passion within me

A sharp wind slaps me back to reality

What is this?

This unmistakable feeling of bliss

A catastrophic supernova awakens within me

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

I accepted humanity’s burden

 

We really aren’t good at living

We could go on believing

Hiding in our artificial world

Boldly running against the fold

But you know and I know

That the hypocrites was us—no

We are just liars protecting ourselves

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

We accepted humanity’s darkness

 

Insecurities tangle with ugly complexes

As we pull back with our reflexes

These burdens drive our lives banning us from

Understanding

Loving

Expecting

And from truly trusting ourselves in this society

 

But is living like this truly bliss?

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was finished

Humanity is accepted

 

There, this unmistakable feeling of bliss

Causes a catastrophic supernova to awaken within me