Connection Rejection

I hated the mirror

And it hatted me

I hated this barrier

And it hated me

I hated feeling inferior

But it embraced me

I felt safe within its interior

Until you came along

 

At first only indifference

A simple detached greeting

Blank stares of apathy

There was no understanding

Too different for empathy

But we were just scared of rejection

If we tried to form a connection

 

Truthfully, I wanted to know you

Your voice, your interactions with others, your habits

All interested me, but was it true?

My trust in you crumbled to bits

It wasn’t true—none of it was true

Why did you lie?

 

At first only indifference

A simple detached greeting

Blanks stares of apathy

There was no understanding

Too different for empathy

But we were just scared of rejection

If we tried to form a connection

 

Don’t be so superficial

Surrendering to their words and lies

Becoming so artificial

Acting as a product of society’s ways

The media has turn you into their vessel

But I will believe in you until the end

I want to believe in you

 

Was it for protection?

Against yourself?

Against the competition?

I think I understand

I won’t be unkind

But I won’t remain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At last there’s no indifference

A complex warm greeting

Glances void of apathy

There was some understanding

Too different so we tried empathy

We were just afraid of dejection

When we formed our connection

 

 

 

 

 

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The Younger Me

Sometimes I feel as if I have a lost child trapped in my body (or mind, I guess?). She’s around 6, kind of tall for her age, dark brown skin matching the color of dark chocolate and perhaps a bit of the taste, too. Basically, she’s me and she’s freaking lost.

Still naïve, still hoping, still clutching to nameless ideals that only have spark since it’s out of reach. The child within me is restless. On the other hand, she’s critical and contemplates way more than the usual kid. Holding a relatively quiet nature, she observes and thinks over every detail despite herself. But she’s still a child, so she promptly forgets, pushes those thoughts to unattainable corners of her mind, and goes out to play hide and seek.

She quickly notices stark differences in herself and others. She doesn’t quite understand all that she sees, she only knows that she isn’t like them—at least on the physical part. The 6 year old races off to ask her mother about why she isn’t like this or that. Mommy, why isn’t my hair like that? Mommy, why isn’t my skin like that?? Mommy? Mommy, why? Her mother explains that that’s how God made it. He made us all unique and special. The child is satisfied and goes back to playing dolls and house. But not for long.

 

Accepting My Complex

So, hello. It has been a few days. We are on Spring Break now, so I’ve been relaxing and neglecting my work and writing in this journal. Forgive me. Anyways, I’ve been thinking (dangerous, I know), but I’ve come to a resolution. I’m just going to accept my inferiority complex. It’s just so much easier. I’ve been fighting it for a while now…well, actually for years.

Apparently, according to my mom, it may have started all the way back in kindergarten (so 5? 6 years old?). It seems I would ask for questions like, “Why isn’t my skin like that? Why isn’t my hair like that?” And here I thought it started in middle school (7th grade to be exact), but now it seems that about 2/3 of my life has been taken up by this complex and now with my insecurities are just the garnish.

I may have written about this more in my previous journal but I’m trying to be more upbeat and good-natured in this journal (I guess?). But please allow me to indulge in some negative emotions and thoughts from time to time since there is no way I can be content all the time (I wish). I mean what about you? Do you have any issues? Complexes? Insecurities? Doubts? Et cetera. I feel like besides me, no one or really I wish no one had any problems such as these since I don’t believe they should feel that way. Only I should feel this or that.

Honestly, I’m just tired. Tired of fighting it. Tired of deluding myself into thinking, “Oh, if I just lose weight I will be and feel prettier,” “If my skin was paler, would feel better about myself,” or “If my hair was longer and if I was shorter, I would feel beautiful,” etc.etc. Really? Even if I somehow managed to accomplish any or all of this I would feel like complete and utter trash, so what’s the point? It’s better this way, right?

This inferiority complex of mine is just something I should just learn to live with. I’m not saying I will get rid of it…to many things come natural to me:

~Comparing myself to people

~Not looking in the mirror properly

~Hating to take photos of myself (God. Just. No.)

~Putting myself down (Negative. Negative. Negative.)

~Knowing I’m just a burden

~Knowing my destiny is just to die (Question is when?)

~Knowing no matter what—I’m ugly, I’m inadequate, I’m a pig, I’m…. etc.etc.

Seriously, the list could go on and on, but I will stop for your sake and mine. It’s just so instinctual that it’s hard to give up. It’s like asking a sugar addict to give up sweets (I’m looking at you, Gintoki). My complex is now a habit which I can’t break…at least not easily or by myself. What to do but just accept it. I’m fatigued with battling it, so I accept it now to live with until I die.

But isn’t that just the same as giving up? Well, whatever. I may update you on how this acceptance is going. Now, as for my insecurities…do they tie into my complex (Most likely) or should I accept them separately? Let’s see…

It Can’t Go On Like This

Cooling the fiery passion within me

A sharp wind slaps me back to reality

What is this?

This unmistakable feeling of bliss

A catastrophic supernova awakens within me

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

I accepted humanity’s burden

 

We really aren’t good at living

We could go on believing

Hiding in our artificial world

Boldly running against the fold

But you know and I know

That the hypocrites was us—no

We are just liars protecting ourselves

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

We accepted humanity’s darkness

 

Insecurities tangle with ugly complexes

As we pull back with our reflexes

These burdens drive our lives banning us from

Understanding

Loving

Expecting

And from truly trusting ourselves in this society

 

But is living like this truly bliss?

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was finished

Humanity is accepted

 

There, this unmistakable feeling of bliss

Causes a catastrophic supernova to awaken within me

 

 

Cooling the fiery passion within me

A sharp wind slaps me back to reality

What is this?

This unmistakable feeling of bliss

A catastrophic supernova awakens within me

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

I accepted humanity’s burden

 

We really aren’t good at living

We could go on believing

Hiding in our artificial world

Boldly running against the fold

But you know and I know

That the hypocrites was us—no

We are just liars protecting ourselves

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was done

We accepted humanity’s darkness

 

Insecurities tangle with ugly complexes

As we pull back with our reflexes

These burdens drive our lives banning us from

Understanding

Loving

Expecting

And from truly trusting ourselves in this society

 

But is living like this truly bliss?

 

It couldn’t go on as it were

Gut-wrenching fear

Clutching known ideals dear

I lived seeking to be understood

But understood no one

I lived seeking to be loved

But loved no one

I lived seeking expectations

But expected no one

When finally the mistakes were realized

The deed was finished

Humanity is accepted

 

There, this unmistakable feeling of bliss

Causes a catastrophic supernova to awaken within me

 

 

 

La Vie en…

Lately, a lot has been on my mind to the point that I haven’t really written much in the past few days. The exception to this has been my dreams and unfinished poems. I admit the majority of what I’ve thought about this past week has been about my complex, insecurities, BTS (and South Korea in general), life, people, and other smaller things. I don’t believe I write elegantly or coherently at times, but I hope that you, whoever may be reading this, can understand at least the general gist of what I’m getting at.

I’m weak. Let alone an utter waste of space. I wonder why I haven’t left this world yet? Why haven’t I received my deserved eternal slumber? Who knows. My inferiority complex is flaring up again like a bad skin wash that won’t go away. My mood is neither here nor there—basically I’m not sure what to feel. I’ve written or really rewritten a list on my phone that I lost when I switched Iphones. It’s a list of negatives that my complex had full control over. I won’t tell you what’s on it as it’s quite dark at times but trust me, you don’t want to know. There’s nothing new. At least nothing new that someone with my case has. I sigh, I cry, and I watch as others comfortably live their lives not feeling as wretchedly as I do with my life and myself really.
This leads me to why BTS keeps popping up—my insecurities. What a homogenous country they are from. Same faces, same skin, same eyes, same personalities and values. Despite striving so hard to stand out, to be different and fight against the mainstream, aren’t they all just the same in the end? Why should we trust that they will be any different that the “nation of one” produces? All I’ve seen and all I’ve read doesn’t change the fact about how basic and hypocritical they can and will be. Especially when they all constantly slash and burn me reminding me of my insecurities and eventually appealing to my complex. What is this? Why must I feel this way in a world dominated by standards I have no chance of meeting? No, it seems that despite your words and actions, I can’t bring myself to trust you yet. I like you and them but I have to close myself off to you all, so my hopes don’t fall flat, so I remain sane, so that I don’t get crushed under the weight of my complex and neverending insecurities.

I’m sorry for becoming ambiguous in my last paragraph, but honestly I kind of wanted it that way. But I don’t blame them for how I feel. I blame myself. Possibly we are all just products of our environment and become mislead clones of expected standards that society and people in general place for us. I don’t know. This is the price of overthinking. I wish I had someone to share these thoughts with, but there is no one. I’ve let some friends glimpse at some of my written work and thoughts but they don’t seem to understand the seriousness of it all or they are just like, “That’s nice.” It’s frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I like my friends, but there’s no one that seems to be on the same level as me. Someone that understands me and isn’t that what a lot of us want? To be understood? To be loved? To actually be happy with ourselves and others? But we are constantly disappointed and disillusioned to the extent that it builds up to the sort of things like depression, complexes, apathy, etc.

Last night, after watching a Buzzfeed video about the unfortunate death of Elisa Lam, a 21 year old Canadian student, I curiously looked her up and stumbled across her blog. And lo and behold, her thought process was similar to mine and I agreed with her on many things. But of course, she’s dead and so it seems the hope of finding anyone around me like her and some others, too. I just don’t know anymore…

Emotions

Lately, I’ve felt that I’ve suppressed my actual feelings and self for so long that I’ve forgotten how to feel or do certain emotions. I also seem to be lost on who I am. When I do experience these lost emotions of mine, I fail to comprehend them and I can’t come up with an appropriate reaction to them.

So, I end up feeling confused and frustrated. I may even lash out to the thing or person who has caused these unwarranted emotions to appear. But in reality, I just want to understand them and know if this is right to feel this way. Should I react like this? Or that? I realize I may be overthinking it, but I can’t help it—it’s my nature.

Eventually, I grow tired of trying to understand and force myself to distance myself from the cause of my emotional distress. I act standoffish and aloof to the point of indifference. I start to lose how to feel as I suppress more and more. However, no matter how much I scream and fight internally, there’s  always a part of me that wants to stop the oppression of emotions and learn how to feel again. I can’t get too excited, I can’t scream out in joy, I can’t reciprocate love for I have lost those abilities. If it continues like this, will I become a robot? Will I become truly apathetic and void?

To be honest, I’m waiting, waiting for my muse to save me? Guide me? Or at least answer me? Actually, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I need it as a spark for my forgotten emotions and serve guide of sorts towards understanding them.

I’m scared to feel, so my emotions stay repressed. But I ache to reach for them again as an outlet, so I don’t live life as a detached person incapable of offering correct emotions to others.

If pride is the root of all sin, then what is the root of all emotions? Tell me, I would like to know

My Shadow

Alone with my mirror

I see my shadow coming nearer

I can’t escape its grip

Its deathly suffocating

And really displeasing

But its stuck to me and me alone

 

Go away, go away is my neverending spell

But it never fades away

It’s always on my tail

Dragging me nearer to hell

Devouring every way

What can I do to be saved?

 

Alone with the moon

The day closes to soon

But still I see my shadow drawing nearer

An ugly, dark mass of complex anxieties

It claims to be me

It wants to be free

And slowly slowly it kills my passion

 

Go away, go away is my neverending spell

But it never fades away

It’s always on my tail

Dragging me nearer to hell

Devouring every way

What can I do to be saved?

 

Just accept your fate it says

Alone within this mental haze

Perhaps this is just a phase

So I’ll just give in for now

I will fall into its darkness

Fall into this blindness

To become nothing