Who Am I?

Really, who am I in this vast world living among 7 billion and plus people with various talents and identities. I feel as if I’m no one. No one who matters even to friends and family, excluding my parents and brother. I’ve spent most of my life fighting a complex that constantly puts me down and degrades me to the point that I feel like even dirt has more importance than I do. There’s a constant competition between the world and I that I feel I’m losing. But I want to change that.

I’m a neophyte on WordPress. I’ve just started writing on this blog with the intention of exposing myself through my poetry, tangents, music recommendations, and other blog posts. But how much can I put out there before people get sick of my content? Well, that’s even if they bother with it in the first place. I really do want to make some impact on the people reading my blog. I want others, who my have similar thought patterns, to know someone is out there like them. Honestly, I really am anti-social or, perhaps I’m more socially awkward to the point that I avoid human interaction in my day to day life simply because I’m embarrassed of myself.

However, WordPress serves as an outlet for me where I can somewhat coherently get my thoughts out there for others to see. I’m not eloquent, but I do want to interact with a wider range of people and I do want to spread my ideas and see what others have to share as well. But the constant comparison and competition I feel deprecates that. I’m amazed to find that a few people have actually followed my blog and I whole-heartedly thank them for it. When I received my first follower, I was so excited and incredulous that I had to stop writing for a few moments as I was in such disbelief that someone out there liked my content enough to put up with it for more than just a post! Thank you so much for all the likes and thank you followers! But please comment more! I would love the feedback.

Still, I realize I’m not the brightest and most positive blog out there. I’ve looked through my followers blogs and others and feel their content is soooo much better that I can’t compete (Check some of them out under widgets on the main menu). For my blog, I feel quite selfish for just writing of myself and my problems though like I said before I hope that there’s someone like me who feels less alone and can connect to my blog on a personal level just like I have for other blogs.

As I write this, I remember Elisa Lam, a Canadian student aged 21, who died tragically inside a water tank at a Los Angeles hotel back in 2013. You may have heard about her, so I won’t go into too much detail especially since this post is getting too long and I mentioned her in another post, La Vie en… But be warned, that post was originally written last year at the height of my self-hate when my negativity was at a climax. But perhaps read it anyway as it will give you a glimpse of a past I want to move on from.

Thank you so much if you read this far! And please if it’s no trouble, leave a comment or feedback. I would greatly appreciate it.

This time I will leave a link to Elisa Lam‘s blog. Just click on her name!

 

 

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A Letter to You

Dear whomever it may concern,

I wish you all the best. No matter what type of endeavor you pursue. Music, writing, acting, love, friendship, or whatever may be the case. I will stay on the sidelines and cheer you on with all my might. So don’t hang your head, don’t let the ground consume your tears, don’t give in to despair. I just want to thank you. Thank you for helping me come out of my grave where I felt half-dead. Thank you for helping me see how wrong I was. I was hiding behind a tough exterior to put a front of strength or I was hiding behind a curtain shivering through tears and the numbness that life can maliciously bring. I was afraid. I was scared. Scared to believe in people, scared to hope, scared to understand, and to frightened to trust people. So I casted myself away and became a shut-in, closing myself off to a hated and artificial world. I couldn’t live properly in a world such as this.

However, seeing you so full of pain, putting a barrier, and frightened of facing the world made me realize I can’t go on like this. I don’t want you to see people as superficial products or monsters to be scared of. I don’t want you to cower in fear or lash out when people threaten to get close. And I don’t want you to succumb to a melancholy that inhibits you from advancing in life. Don’t stand still and be frozen when eyes refuse to look at you. And despite the fact that your screams may be unheeded or ignored, don’t let that stop you from going forward. Don’t lay down in defeat, empty and playing dead. The world is still much bigger than you think. There is always someone for everyone. You don’t need a hundred people or even 10 people by your side. As long as there is that one person by your side, there is nothing to fear, not even the world. Not even yourself.

So once again, I wish you all the best. There is always tomorrow to look forward to, so look up instead. Even when I was deep inside the womb of depression and despair, there was always a part of me that held a glimmer of hope. And there were times when I was frightened of love. What is that? How does it feel? Love is shapeless. Love is indescribable. Love is the unknown and scary. So why should I pursue it if it gets too heavy? If I can’t comprehend it? If I just say it’s better and easier to hate instead of love? But once again looking at you made me realize that my thinking was irrational. So let’s try and search together on what love really is. I’m sure it’s truth won’t be as bad as we think.

This message might not be much, but I have the wish that you will take something from it. I too am as lost and confused as you are. I can’t hope to understand everything no matter how much I wish. If I could I would love to have the super power of understanding people and their emotions and actions, but I don’t. Until then, please endure it. You may suffer through more pain, more tears, more confusion, and everything in between. But promise me, you will never ever give up. The day you might want to, remember this message. It might be scary, but believe in people. Trust in people. They also want to be loved, understood, trusted, and connected. I’m not much but I will be wishing you to hang in there to the end of ends. I believe in you, probably more than myself, so believe in me, too. The world is an awesome place, don’t let its darkness lead you to a premature eternal slumber. Please, go on. And for the last time, I wish you all the best and more.

Promise

I promise to be back tomorrow

To hold your hand once again

So promise me, don’t drown in sorrow

We have too much to regain

I promise I will be here for you to borrow

So promise me you’ll remain sane

 

Those dark times you had to face

And those tears you couldn’t trace

Were all for the sake of staying strong

But you know and I know that was wrong

Human beings are too fragile

Too volatile

To cycle through that lifestyle

But you only contract more and more

And struggle to fight your corrupted core

 

Your soundless scream breaks the silence

All I want to do is embrace the cold you

But you push back stuck in a trance

Consumed by lies burying what’s true

Self-hate and insecurities converge in a dance

So at the end of the day there’s nothing to do

But embrace the numb darkness that ensues

 

Day turns to an endless night

And you continue to struggle and fight

Not knowing that it’s futile

You protect yourself by remaining hostile

Stop! And listen to me

Don’t kill yourself to be free

Don’t kill yourself just to see

 

Your soundless scream breaks the silence

All I want to do is embrace the cold you

But you push back stuck in a trance

Consumed by lies burying what’s true

Self-hate and insecurities converge in a dance

So at the end of the day there’s nothing to do

But embrace the numb darkness that ensues

 

You finally accept and say goodbye

But tears flow as you break

You still believe your destiny is just to die

This realization only leads to a shocking heartache

But I won’t let you die

I won’t let you break

I will save you from this self-neurosis

Because—

 

I promise to be back tomorrow

To hold your hand once again

So promise me, don’t drown in sorrow

We have too much to regain

I promise I will be here for you to borrow

So promise me, you’ll remain sane

 

(Truthfully, I’m as broken as you are

Though our distance is far

I hope this resonates within you

As it will for others, too

So promise me to believe in living)

 

 

High Expectations

Sometimes we expect too much from others without even knowing it. Despite remaining so close, despite starting to comprehend the other—we can still manage to fall apart. When we ask too much of people and they fail to provide, we get frustrated or disillusioned. We may take it out on others unintentionally (or intentionally, that’s up to you). The illusion of such a splendid company is shattered by the reality of human nature.

It’s not entirely wrong to rely on others, but we must remember that humans are flawed and broken beings. We aren’t robots built to efficiency nor are we soulless beings lacking emotions. We are social creatures who yearn to be wanted, loved, and heard. We dream dreams as vast and diverse as the Milky Way and reach out for those mostly unattainable stars even when we know it’s futile.

Unfortunately, when we realize how wrong we were, these lovely feelings turn to a bitter disappointment that feeds on negativity. We turn away from others so as not to feel that throbbing pain that they or other people may inflict on us. To not be hurt again, we cringe away from the company of others completely shutting down. We come to believe that being alone is best. It may be for a time, but as I said before, we are social creatures—no matter if you are an introvert, apathetic, or even anti-social (an oxymoron, I know).

When you return to an empty home.

When you ride alone on the bus or train.

When you are lost and alone in a crowd full of couples and friends clinging to each other.

That’s when the loneliness crashes into you like the dark chill of an ocean wave.

And you come to realize that this is no way to live.

Let’s not live alone.

Let’s not have too high expectations that can undermine our feelings for others.

We can’t live like that and we shouldn’t.

I want to believe in people and you.

I also want to trust myself with others as well.

We continue to grow and improve alongside others for the sake of the people closest to us.

But just remember, humans are scarred and riddled with holes. Since it can be painful to heal ourselves alone. Let’s come together and doctor ourselves back to health while remembering our limitations.

Voices

It’s kind of hard to believe, but I recently realized how a voice can move you in so many ways. A voice can be soft or loud. Coarse or silky. Lilting or rough. Whimsical or plain. I could go on and on, but voices are as diverse as people. Voices are a vocal part of the personality that aches to be heard. Unfortunately, at times we fail to listen and turn away from the voices that call to us. They plea to be listened to. Is it ignorance? Is it due to deafness or turning a blind eye? I want to listen, but too many voices rise into a cacophony of sounds. Voices can be overwhelming and you cringe as these voices cause you to obey to their whims. The pressure is on.

But I believe there is at least one voice for everyone. One that you may not have even noticed or dreamed that you would listen to. You seek comfort and a safe respite in this unexpected voice. Whether it sings to you, laughs with you, or simply speaks to you, it can be the most wonderful thing in the world. The voice may act as a guide leading you through treacherous obstacles. It wants to help you and genuinely cares for your well-being. But most importantly, the voice may understand you like no one else. Even if it doesn’t at first, this voice strives to comprehend its listener. It may lack some skills and qualities, it may be too brash and assuming at times, and it may even hurt you at times, but no one is perfect.

A voice can be just as great as receiving love for the first time. It can serve as a beacon of light. On the other hand, I must admit, a voice can lead you astray and be just as malicious as the devil. However, I want to believe we are all guided by voices that may be full of honest mistakes but works to make you feel like heaven.