A Peek Into My Mind Currently

Hello, how is everyone? Are you well? I hope so as I am not feeling too well as per usual. I told myself I would write today on the blog since I hadn’t actually blogged recently excluding my music recommendation which kinda counts I guess. I wasn’t sure what I would write today though I had wondered if I should write down my hopes and ambitions on getting better through some sort of DIY rehabilitation for my complex and insecurities but they were once again attacked today leaving me in another self-hating- “You can’t do anything right” sort of mood.

To be frank, I don’t take compliments or any sort of positive statement on my looks/appearance. I hate my physical appearance. Period. Actually, I hate everything about myself. That mentality took its toll on me today when after washing my hair I had to put it up into a messy bun to let it air dry. Once my parents saw, they compliment on it a few times as my current long wavy hair is always set down. To me, I feel as if they make it a big deal and I wish the would only mention it once if at all. I’m the type of person that doesn’t like to much attention drawn to myself over something such as that and it embarrasses and exasperates me; although, admittedly I’m only usually like that towards my parents. Whenever a stranger compliment me in a similar manner, I just politely give them my thanks when in reality I want to correct them saying, “No, you’re wrong. Don’t say that when I know you’re just being polite.” Since I’m more open towards my parents, they get exactly what’s on my mind and of course they don’t like it and proceed to get upset and greatly disappointed with me. I even caught my mom saying as I left the kitchen, the scene of this confrontation, commenting on how that’s why I have no friends. That hurt. I think that’s the blow that got me the worse and still leaves me feel upset and taciturn towards my parents.

Amazingly, I do have some friends. Do I consider them all close? To be honest, perhaps one or two but I suppose for a person like me that’s all I need. Still, I constantly compare myself to people and measure up myself to friends of my friends and that’s where my cognition becomes conflicted. Not only that, but people I look up to or celebrities I like I begin to validate myself against them and think, “I’m so stupid acting the way I am. I’m such a loser acting like this compared to what they’ve been through.”

Overthinking like this and constantly comparing is a bad practice, but as I’ve said to my parents before–it’s like second nature to me now. Yes, I’ve been through this repetitive thought process for years so I feel as if all hope is lost in changing how I think or do. This comes just when I was thinking of working on some self-rehab to improve my mental and possibly physical condition and yet again, I’m regressing.

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure this will help. They say writing out your feelings and letting it out will allow some release of satisfaction and relief; however, I feel about the same. I’m even thinking that perhaps my parents are right. My personality just doesn’t seem suited for real life interactions, huh? Maybe I should go ahead and plan out my life as a future recluse or hikikomori (Japanese equivalent of a shut-in). I mean I know my love life won’t lead anywhere. Maybe due to my inferiority complex meshed with my insecurities but I’ve realized that I can’t really create feelings of romantic love. Normal love is fine. I love all kinds of people and places, but romantically? No. Although, I don’t believe I’m aromantic. This is evident by the amount of romance movies/dramas, daydreaming, and fanfictions I have written. Thus, the cause is my complex.

Well, I don’t want to bore you more with my dysfunctional mental life. In reality, I’m quite privileged and should feel blessed which I do, but I know I’m not appreciating it to the fullest. It is surprising that God hasn’t smited me down yet, or perhaps he knows that’s what I want. A useless human being like me is greatly confused as to why I’m STILL here when such great people that are my age or younger have passed on. Why? I certainly don’t deserve this life…

Thank you for reading all this way, if there is anyone even reading my post. Please leave a comment as any response is better than none, but it’s up to you. Or, and I know that it is a long shot, but maybe anyone out there feel similar to me? Though I suppose not.  Still, enjoy your night or day and take care of yourself and your life, please.

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