I’m So Done

Let’s see, today I wanted to say—I’m bloody tired of myself. I can’t lay down, be depressed, and back into a corner facing loneliness. I suck at love, fail at making and staying with friends, and my inferiority complex and social anxiety (awkwardness?) ruins my life. Damn, I hate this! I have it to the point that I’m cursing. I have to force myself to change. At this point, I’m facing a lifetime of frustration, anxiety, depression, loneliness, and who knows what else? So, let’s see where to start.

~First, start treating yourself better (don’t kill yourself through food hoping to get sick or get a heart attack)

~Get out more (w/ friends, do extra, take more walks)

~Get out of your comfort zone (basically do things you never did before or were scared or hesitant to do)

~Continue to write (it helps to express yourself when you can’t to family and friends)

~Work on that inferiority complex (Don’t embrace it or accept it or you will regret it.)

~Listen to Music (Drown in it and listen to what the artists are saying and REMEMBER: Uverworld and Aqua Timez!)

~Lastly, Don’t Give a Bloody Fudge (yes, fudge) About What Anyone Says or Thinks ( it gets exhausting and annoying real fast to the point that I’m now get pissed off with myself for caring and being limited)

Don’t lie down depressed and sad, get angry and mad then channel that into something good and productive! (To be continued)

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Our Great Leader (Satirical)

In a land far far away

Nestled in mountains against the sea

The people face a dilemma every day

The population was small, you see?

So what to do they cry in dismay

Until a leader arises to lead the way

 

First, he decided, no rules of restraint

The people let loose without a care

Times have changed, there’s not one complaint

Morals and ethics are based in the air

“Go on, make more! There’s no constraint!”

Their Great Leader roared with great fanfare

And so the population grew without despair

 

Years passed and the society grew

Wily kids play through greed’s misdeeds

The Great Leader returns, his benevolence anew

But now the people faced a new problem—STDs

What to do now but sue?

“Stop,” he says, “I will fix these bad seeds.”

Initiating an oppression to meet their needs

 

The people faced a new suppression

Torn apart by a reign of terror

Society slowly sank into depression

Chains was the superior

While freedom meant repression

Then came the genocide of submission

 

Isn’t this what they wanted?

A world with less?

Or a world more populated?

It’s all just a mess

Only unsatisfaction was fated

As soon as they mated

 

Once there was a land far far away

Nestled in mountains against the sea

The people faced a dilemma every day

And now they slave without delay

To a Great Leader of great propriety

 

I Will Stay

Even now I can’t get the right words out

Still to be heard I will scream and shout

I need you to know now

That I love you without a doubt

I need you to know now

That we will survive this love drought

 

I don’t ever want to separate like this

Goodbyes were about to be said

But let’s reminisce

Memories of you weigh heavy like lead

Like the day we sang together in bliss

Or the night we stayed out instead

When I received those tears through that kiss

All lead up to this moment of fate

 

Let our hands never stray

Or our hearts ever rend

Here I will stay

So don’t say, “Goodbye” in pretend

Your tears never wanted to let go

So now you know, now you know

I will never go away

I will never stray

I will stay with you day after day

 

 

I know fate connected us

Though I was shy and naïve

A wanderer that forgot how to trust

You taught me to believe

How to feel, how to love which was a must

Thank you for letting me be me

 

So when you left, I was lost

Why did you leave?

What did it cost?

Questions only lead to grief

When you returned, you were lost

Why did I leave?

At what cost?

Questions only deceive

But now we are together again, so—

 

Let our hearts never stray

Or our hearts ever rend

Here I will stay

So don’t say, “Goodbye” in pretend

Your tears never wanted to let go

So now you know, now you know

I will never go away

I will never stray

I will stay with you forever and a day

 

 

 

Connection Rejection

I hated the mirror

And it hatted me

I hated this barrier

And it hated me

I hated feeling inferior

But it embraced me

I felt safe within its interior

Until you came along

 

At first only indifference

A simple detached greeting

Blank stares of apathy

There was no understanding

Too different for empathy

But we were just scared of rejection

If we tried to form a connection

 

Truthfully, I wanted to know you

Your voice, your interactions with others, your habits

All interested me, but was it true?

My trust in you crumbled to bits

It wasn’t true—none of it was true

Why did you lie?

 

At first only indifference

A simple detached greeting

Blanks stares of apathy

There was no understanding

Too different for empathy

But we were just scared of rejection

If we tried to form a connection

 

Don’t be so superficial

Surrendering to their words and lies

Becoming so artificial

Acting as a product of society’s ways

The media has turn you into their vessel

But I will believe in you until the end

I want to believe in you

 

Was it for protection?

Against yourself?

Against the competition?

I think I understand

I won’t be unkind

But I won’t remain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At last there’s no indifference

A complex warm greeting

Glances void of apathy

There was some understanding

Too different so we tried empathy

We were just afraid of dejection

When we formed our connection

 

 

 

 

 

A Letter to You

Dear whomever it may concern,

I wish you all the best. No matter what type of endeavor you pursue. Music, writing, acting, love, friendship, or whatever may be the case. I will stay on the sidelines and cheer you on with all my might. So don’t hang your head, don’t let the ground consume your tears, don’t give in to despair. I just want to thank you. Thank you for helping me come out of my grave where I felt half-dead. Thank you for helping me see how wrong I was. I was hiding behind a tough exterior to put a front of strength or I was hiding behind a curtain shivering through tears and the numbness that life can maliciously bring. I was afraid. I was scared. Scared to believe in people, scared to hope, scared to understand, and to frightened to trust people. So I casted myself away and became a shut-in, closing myself off to a hated and artificial world. I couldn’t live properly in a world such as this.

However, seeing you so full of pain, putting a barrier, and frightened of facing the world made me realize I can’t go on like this. I don’t want you to see people as superficial products or monsters to be scared of. I don’t want you to cower in fear or lash out when people threaten to get close. And I don’t want you to succumb to a melancholy that inhibits you from advancing in life. Don’t stand still and be frozen when eyes refuse to look at you. And despite the fact that your screams may be unheeded or ignored, don’t let that stop you from going forward. Don’t lay down in defeat, empty and playing dead. The world is still much bigger than you think. There is always someone for everyone. You don’t need a hundred people or even 10 people by your side. As long as there is that one person by your side, there is nothing to fear, not even the world. Not even yourself.

So once again, I wish you all the best. There is always tomorrow to look forward to, so look up instead. Even when I was deep inside the womb of depression and despair, there was always a part of me that held a glimmer of hope. And there were times when I was frightened of love. What is that? How does it feel? Love is shapeless. Love is indescribable. Love is the unknown and scary. So why should I pursue it if it gets too heavy? If I can’t comprehend it? If I just say it’s better and easier to hate instead of love? But once again looking at you made me realize that my thinking was irrational. So let’s try and search together on what love really is. I’m sure it’s truth won’t be as bad as we think.

This message might not be much, but I have the wish that you will take something from it. I too am as lost and confused as you are. I can’t hope to understand everything no matter how much I wish. If I could I would love to have the super power of understanding people and their emotions and actions, but I don’t. Until then, please endure it. You may suffer through more pain, more tears, more confusion, and everything in between. But promise me, you will never ever give up. The day you might want to, remember this message. It might be scary, but believe in people. Trust in people. They also want to be loved, understood, trusted, and connected. I’m not much but I will be wishing you to hang in there to the end of ends. I believe in you, probably more than myself, so believe in me, too. The world is an awesome place, don’t let its darkness lead you to a premature eternal slumber. Please, go on. And for the last time, I wish you all the best and more.

Go Away

This is so frustrating

Why can’t you leave me alone?

This pain is aching

Emotions turn cold

While I suppress my love

 

I want to push you away

Push you away

But you appear day by day

Just please go away

Please go away

I want to remain sane this May

For today, just go away

 

Don’t touch me

It only hurts

Don’t look at me

That leave me out of sorts

Don’t compliment me

They are only lies that contorts

I will never trust you

I will never love you

 

I want to push you away

Push you away

But you appear day by day

But please go away

Please just go away

I want to be sane this May

For today, just go away

 

I hate you

For giving me a false hope

I hate you

For making me not cope

I hate you

For making me hang by a rope

I hate you, but I tried

Only to cry dreams that died

 

I want to push you away

Push you away

But you appear day by day

Just please go away

Please go away

I want to remain sane this May

For today, just go away

Stay Away

I want to see you

These words repeat in a infinite melody

My heart fails to see what’s true

That you’re not here to make my day

Since it couldn’t continue

 

This year marks the end

But I still have my love to send

I’m scared, I’m frightened

Don’t love me in pretend

This pain won’t mend

It hurts, it only hurts in the end

But I can’t stay away

 

Your gestures of affection

The sound of your voice

Was just an awful manipulation

It was a mess of noise

Of sick emotion

Of sick love

 

This year marks the end

But I still have my love to send

I’m scared, I’m frightened

Don’t love me in pretend

It hurts, it only hurts in the end

But why can’t I stay away

 

Don’t screw with me

I believed in you and your lies

I was a fool to trust your way

So let’s cut ties

I want to be saved right away

But not by you

No, it can’t be by you

 

I knew I wasn’t capable of being loved

But for once I wanted to believe

That someone actually cared

But now I see there’s no relief

 

This year marks the end

But I still have my love to send

I’m scared, I’m frightened

Don’t love me in pretend

This pain won’t mend

IT hurts, it only hurts in the end

But I need to stay away