Eve of May

May is around the corner and the weather is heating up along with people’s moods. I guess I’m part of that. I’m not melancholic but I’m optimistically pessimistic (does that make sense?). Honestly, I feel as if I have no place on this Earth. I feel as if I should have died already. Should I just do it myself? Should I? But I’m a coward and too lazy to make up a way to go relatively painlessly. I don’t see much of a future for myself. University? (Good luck). A job I actually like? (Laughable, I have no idea what I want to do). A husband? (Kill yourself. Don’t even fancy the thought). A social life? (Dead). Yes, I’m a complete failure of a human being and my supposed punishment is death.

Unfortunately, since that hasn’t happened yet, I’ve decided to accept my situation of being utter and complete trash now and for forever. I have to happily accept this prison-like destiny and wait for my just execution. Seriously, shake a noose around my neck and I won’t mind. Just finish it already, being happy with all of this is clearly a façade. A pathetic façade that I will accept with a sigh of defeat.

Cherry blossoms clear

Leaving a depressed me in tears

Wishing to join their death

 

 

 

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Incomplete World

Let’s get together and travel around the world

Surely the truth can be discarded

So let’s journey to places not covered

I want the world once again to be loved

But only lies are recovered

 

The world is a disillusion

That results from a twisted delusion

To find truths remains our mission

We want to feel love again

The Younger Me

Sometimes I feel as if I have a lost child trapped in my body (or mind, I guess?). She’s around 6, kind of tall for her age, dark brown skin matching the color of dark chocolate and perhaps a bit of the taste, too. Basically, she’s me and she’s freaking lost.

Still naïve, still hoping, still clutching to nameless ideals that only have spark since it’s out of reach. The child within me is restless. On the other hand, she’s critical and contemplates way more than the usual kid. Holding a relatively quiet nature, she observes and thinks over every detail despite herself. But she’s still a child, so she promptly forgets, pushes those thoughts to unattainable corners of her mind, and goes out to play hide and seek.

She quickly notices stark differences in herself and others. She doesn’t quite understand all that she sees, she only knows that she isn’t like them—at least on the physical part. The 6 year old races off to ask her mother about why she isn’t like this or that. Mommy, why isn’t my hair like that? Mommy, why isn’t my skin like that?? Mommy? Mommy, why? Her mother explains that that’s how God made it. He made us all unique and special. The child is satisfied and goes back to playing dolls and house. But not for long.

 

Why Am I Like This?

This town is decorated with so many colours

Hues and pigments that cover the skin

I was too lost that I had to give in

Thinking black and white wasn’t a sin

 

In this white-splashed society, I feel my incompetence

Cursing my coal-burnt skin in repentance

Why am I like this?

Why are we like this?

I wander the streets contemplating my existence

 

Snow continues to fall and fall pointlessly

The soft paleness floats soundlessly

Tying me to another white day

Facing you again makes me delay

Your snow-stained skin marks my inferiority

I’m left intimidated seeking to hide away

In a fetal position remains insecurity

 

I’m a complete fool thinking I could be loved

Just like coffee needs sugar to not be hated

I fail to have any such sweetness to be shared

Bitter and dark can’t be saved

But I wish for that sweetness

I wish for that paleness

I wish I wasn’t just darkness

 

In this white-splashed society, I feel my incompetence

Cursing my coal-burnt skin in repentance

Why is it like this? Why am I like this?

Why are we like this?

I wander the streets contemplating my existence

 

Night arrives, the snow shower continues

Penetrating a shallow darkness

Wandering the streets eating an Oreo

Tossing the pale creaminess

Only darkens the scenario

Is this really okay?

 

Loneliness creeps up like a shadow

And the tears only follow

Hope was too much to swallow

I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t ready

Reluctantly I had to agree

That it was okay

 

In this white-splashed society, I feel my incompetence

Cursing my coal-burnt skin in repentance

Why did I accept it?

Why do we accept it?

I wander the streets contemplating our existence

 

 

Incomplete Love

I swore off love after our break up

Closed hearts, closed minds

I guess are easier to find

Empty words, empty stares

I guess is how it’s supposed to be

Is this how love is supposed to feel like?

 

I greet the orange-canvased morning

Lethargically I go running

Chasing after a nameless passion

How far can I keep going?

How more can I keep loving?

In this world without compassion

 

I didn’t understand what love was

Was it warm? Was it sweet?

Incomplete Galaxy

Another night with the stars gleam

In a Milky Way of butter cream

Within a child’s dream

Chocolate chips shoot across the sky

In a sketch of the galaxy

 

Sitting in  a world that’s lost all flavor

Bitterness is the only thing we savor

A lone girl wishes it to be over

Tasting once again the sweetness

The princess becomes a sweet menace

 

Nibbling on a parfait

She waits by the bay

 

Rain Mania

The rain continues to fall

Leaving me listless for the dawn

My heart is filled endless with endless songs

As I drown under the waves, I stall

As the rain continues to fall

 

Overthinking and hesitations

Leave me with dull emotions

Can you hear the sound of my scream?

Stuck in that dream

Waking up leaves me lethargic

Stuck being catatonic

 

I’m taken by a sudden mania

I’m going insane

These feelings are inane

Can you keep me sane?

Can you keep me sane?

No, don’t hold me—

Before I break again

 

I’m left dull and numb

A lone babe waiting to be saved

But I’m so dumb

Calling to you who won’t be moved

I succumb to sleep once again

I’m taken by a sudden mania

I’m going insane

These feelings are inane

Can you keep me sane?

Can you keep me sane?

Yes, hold me…

Before I break again

 

Rocking in your arms

I feel no harm

Releasing forgotten tears

The endless nightmares

Come to an end

I wake up again

 

The rain continues to fall

Leaving me restless for the dawn

My heart is filled with endless songs

But overthinking slipped me into a coma

As I rise above these waves, I stall

Watching the rain continue to fall