So, hello. It has been a few days. We are on Spring Break now, so I’ve been relaxing and neglecting my work and writing in this journal. Forgive me. Anyways, I’ve been thinking (dangerous, I know), but I’ve come to a resolution. I’m just going to accept my inferiority complex. It’s just so much easier. I’ve been fighting it for a while now…well, actually for years.
Apparently, according to my mom, it may have started all the way back in kindergarten (so 5? 6 years old?). It seems I would ask for questions like, “Why isn’t my skin like that? Why isn’t my hair like that?” And here I thought it started in middle school (7th grade to be exact), but now it seems that about 2/3 of my life has been taken up by this complex and now with my insecurities are just the garnish.
I may have written about this more in my previous journal but I’m trying to be more upbeat and good-natured in this journal (I guess?). But please allow me to indulge in some negative emotions and thoughts from time to time since there is no way I can be content all the time (I wish). I mean what about you? Do you have any issues? Complexes? Insecurities? Doubts? Et cetera. I feel like besides me, no one or really I wish no one had any problems such as these since I don’t believe they should feel that way. Only I should feel this or that.
Honestly, I’m just tired. Tired of fighting it. Tired of deluding myself into thinking, “Oh, if I just lose weight I will be and feel prettier,” “If my skin was paler, would feel better about myself,” or “If my hair was longer and if I was shorter, I would feel beautiful,” etc.etc. Really? Even if I somehow managed to accomplish any or all of this I would feel like complete and utter trash, so what’s the point? It’s better this way, right?
This inferiority complex of mine is just something I should just learn to live with. I’m not saying I will get rid of it…to many things come natural to me:
~Comparing myself to people
~Not looking in the mirror properly
~Hating to take photos of myself (God. Just. No.)
~Putting myself down (Negative. Negative. Negative.)
~Knowing I’m just a burden
~Knowing my destiny is just to die (Question is when?)
~Knowing no matter what—I’m ugly, I’m inadequate, I’m a pig, I’m…. etc.etc.
Seriously, the list could go on and on, but I will stop for your sake and mine. It’s just so instinctual that it’s hard to give up. It’s like asking a sugar addict to give up sweets (I’m looking at you, Gintoki). My complex is now a habit which I can’t break…at least not easily or by myself. What to do but just accept it. I’m fatigued with battling it, so I accept it now to live with until I die.
But isn’t that just the same as giving up? Well, whatever. I may update you on how this acceptance is going. Now, as for my insecurities…do they tie into my complex (Most likely) or should I accept them separately? Let’s see…