My Hope

Once again we meet by the window side. We stare pleasantly across the glass.

As usual you make faces as I laugh along with the beat of my earphones. Our

images connect in comprehension. But once again, it’s time for goodbyes. As

my music fades away, you fade along with it.

 

They say goodbyes are the start of a new beginning, but I believe we never ended.

I still hold a wish deep in my heart–a hope. My hope is that we will meet again. I’m

sure  of it as day turns to night. As sure as life and death. My hope continues to grow

as memories of you flood over our glass window. I may not have been able to hear.

You may not have been able to see. But I hope we will each be able to convey words

and images lost across that window side. Words and images that conveyed for the last

time a goodbye and you–my hope.

Society’s Numbers

Starting a day full of repeated patterns and connections

Ends in a sigh as I am only reduced to a plain-faced number

In a sea of already condemned equations that society has placed on us

Our lives seem like nothing special

We are toyed into thinking that our status means nothing,

Our achievements mean nothing,

Our lives mean nothing

The media feeds off this desolation by pouring conflicting truths and lies

We take for granted

It forces us into forcing our way onto others

Climbing the crumbling stairs they built for us

This competition only has the corrupt and soon to be corrupted

And I ask, who’s fault is that?

Should I stand on a stage so you can validate me?

Must I be a movie star or singer beloved by all?

Do I have to be someone I’m not just to move you? To please you?

Aren’t I already shoved down into the depths of society

With the only light provided is by them?

And I ask, whose fault is that?

We live like this in order to survive

The mass media and society join in matrimony and sweep us in their arms—

Ready to begin an affair of oppression

Playing as judges already convicting us of being unworthy—

Proven to be guilty by blind scrutinizing eyes

As I’m cast aside with the rest

And peek up at the ones who survive—

I can’t help but ask, whose fault is that?

Whose fault is it?

Whose is it?

It’s ours.

(Victims of self-reproach)

A Singing Waltz

Your singing voice awakens sweet memories of nostalgia

As you hold me comfortingly on this sunny day

My worries and fears melt into your arms

As tears that were held back for too long

I won’t lie—I want to stay like this forever

 

Lazily snoozing away, I drift away into my dreams

In my dream, we dance a waltz together under the lights of thousands

But we don’t care, we don’t care

As long as I have your voice to guide my steps,

I’m sure we will be able to overcome anything

 

Still, I was too selfish,

I depended on you too much,

So that I overlooked your fears

 

The day your words became tears

The day your smiles turned to frowns

The day you stopped singing

Was the day I became lost

 

In my dream, our waltz is rudely interrupted under a blanket of darkness

But we care, we care now

Your voice fades away to silence

Locked away in the depths of your heart

Without you, I stumble, I trip, I fall

The tears threaten to return, but

Seeing your pain hurts even more

What can I do?

 

The day I started to sing with all my might

The day you started to listen

The day we came together

Our voices joined as one

Let’s not close ourselves off to pain

Let’s share it together so the burden isn’t too heavy

With you by my side and I by yours,

We can overcome and write our own song

As we sing along to the tune of life

My Ramblings Part 2

When it’s finally time to accept others, I experience a mental lockdown–a short-circuit of the nervous system. My brain refuses to take things as they are and breaks down comprehension into indiscernible broken pieces. Try as I might to piece them back together, it’s just a futile waste of time. So I retreat and plan a counter-strategy only to not return. I’m to fearful of the repercussions or is it myself that I’m really afraid of?

Is this okay? To live like this? In constant repetition of such thoughts? I feel as if I can’t trust myself, so I have no right to trust others. I’m insignificant, lost and missing pieces of myself, so I have no right to enjoy myself or others. I have to push myself to compensate for such things as that and more that I’m not letting on to. I push, pull, contract, and retract myself to the point that I break and submit to the tears I’ve been holding in for so long.

I’m glass. I break with the cracks being my tears. You may repair me but if I constantly break, you give up and I fall into ruin. This is unhealthy. But I myself must claw my way out of this state. Overthinking can be bad, but these thoughts of mine brought me to where I am today. They may have brought me down, caused mental breakdowns, and swamped me with tears, but they’ve also gave me fresh memories, expanded my views, proved to be a respite, and gave me brilliant solutions.

Still, I search for answers to questions like: Why am I like this? What do I want? What do people want? Are we really connected? I don’t know the solutions to these answers no matter how much I search and ask. That’s because I myself need to create and find my own answers. I’m a flawed being, missing essential parts and struggling to comprehend the world I’ve been dropped in. But then I stop with my self-consumption, look at people, and realize we are similar and in the same boat. And for now, that’s good enough for me. Thank you.

A Love Lost

We hold each other close to find our missing warmth

It seems too late

As we remain half submerged under the weight of the world

Why are we here?

How did it get to this?

We ask as our frozen hearts connect

Frozen in place, I shut myself off in a secluded corner—

Shutting out the false love of others

Thoughts change into confusion

Confusion changes into frustration as I claw at the inerasable memories of pain

Then you found me

Embracing until we can’t breath

Warmth fill these rusted cold bones

Our closed off hearts connect as one anxious to find another’s attraction

We are all beings seeking to love and be loved

Lost and confused, we ride along to the whims of the world

Helpless like leaves carried by the river’s currents

But it doesn’t have to be like this,

No, it shouldn’t be like this

Why do we feel at times that we are incapable of love

And of receiving love

When we ourselves have carried this sentiment in our hearts

Since the day we were born

It just lays huddled in a deep sleep within us all

Just waiting, waiting as we wait for the lost warmth

You found me submerged under the weight of the world

You, like I, was lost and confused

Seeking a missing warmth

In this world, we protectively embrace each other

Hoping to find a love lost to a numbing pain

It shouldn’t be like this, we shouldn’t be like this

Our hearts finally respond to the beacon of love

My Rambling Part 1

You say you can’t trust them but in reality, you are afraid. Afraid to get hurt, betrayed, and lost and confused again. So you tune out emotions and close yourself off to others and the world. But listen, you’re scared of the world? The world is scared of you, too. Stop lying to yourself saying we’re different, we wouldn’t get along, and we shouldn’t. Don’t forget that we are all human. Not robots. Not puppets. No, not even if they seem perfect or masters. They still feel, they have their own thoughts, wants, needs, life experiences, and more. Is life superficial at times? Yeah, but at some moments it has to. Just move on and let it flow.

But eventually you seem to succeed. Your emotions are dulled and you don’t enjoy things like you used, too? You’ve finally detached yourself from them to the point that there is an empty disconnection you can’t explain. You realize at last that you’ve run away–lost inside a maze of thoughts.

I sit down on a couple of steps on a cool February day after a week of missing something. What is it? Perhaps, my ability to see? Perhaps, my ability to understand? My emotions? Or something else? I don’t know. But sitting there and shifting through my thoughts, I had a long conversation with myself with the lyrics of songs guiding me.

People are people. We are all flawed beings just as lost and confused as lone babies in the nursery. We may act strong but truthfully we can’t stay that way. We breakdown like a rusted robot under the burden and weight of the things and people we all strong for. We don’t want them to worry nor get hurt by our behavior but in the end we somehow manage to do just that. When we try to fix it, we may end up wrong again. We really don’t know the world and at times I doubt we know ourselves either. What is it that we truly want?

Salty Memento

Laying in my bed, I’m a slave to sleep

The drowsiness of another day’s burden weighs me down

The world too is carrying a burden

Only tangibly felt by the grey wet sky

As I lay consumed with a heaviness only my heart understands

My thoughts slowly turn to you

 

Fights, mocking music, and harsh words

Echo in my ears clenching my heart with unrest

Water drips contently down my nose into my mouth

A salty memento of you

 

I’ll admit, I was weak and selfish

I only thought of myself

Those gifts, those hugs, those exchanges of sweet words

Only served to gratify me, not you

Those memories of love combust  after one bad word, one bad joke

We fought, you disappear, I thought I understood, but it appears my heart doesn’t

 

Fighting mocking music and harsh words

Echo in my ears, clenching my heart with unrest

Water drips contently down my nose into my mouth

A salty memento of you

 

But these lost times of happiness

Can’t be lost in these bad days, these bad times

Your laugh and the way you cutely scrunch up your eyes

Your love of music and your affinity with ice cream

I miss them all

So please, let’s not leave behind bad memories

Let’s forget for now and create new memories

 

Memories of love are doused by tears

After one shy smile, after one good word

We surrendered, we came together, we thought we understood, but we didn’t—

Our hearts did