Puppets

You say there’s no tomorrow

As if you’ve seen everything

Your arrogance and fear of the future

Matches the current state of the world

 

As humans, we’ve lost sight of

The meaning of the present

And forgotten our past

But let me give to you a today to cherish

 

Today, today store away your pride

Stop the act and hang up your Guy Fawkes mask

Don’t pretend to be strong with the rest

Performing on a crumbling stage

Puppeteered by our emotions

Still, do you wish to live like that?

 

Struggling for the sake of others

Struggling to make amends

Struggling just to protect ourselves

We suffer to remain strong for those purposes

However, it’s okay to relax

Okay to release those pent up emotions

It’s okay to cry through that smile

 

Today, today store away your pride

Stop the act and hang up your Guy Fawkes mask

Don’t pretend to be strong with the rest

Performing on crumbling stage

Puppeteered by our emotions

Still, do you wish to live like that?

 

Truthfully, you, I, him, her—

We are all in the same boat

Pretenders who claim to know the world

Only to face the naïve child who doesn’t know of

A past, present, and future

But still—

 

Today, today store  away your pride

Stop the act and hang up your Guy Fawkes mask

Don’t pretend to be strong with the past

Performing on a crumbling stage

Puppeteered by our emotions

Still, do you wish to live like that?

Do you?

Do you?

Emotions

Lately, I’ve felt that I’ve suppressed my actual feelings and self for so long that I’ve forgotten how to feel or do certain emotions. I also seem to be lost on who I am. When I do experience these lost emotions of mine, I fail to comprehend them and I can’t come up with an appropriate reaction to them.

So, I end up feeling confused and frustrated. I may even lash out to the thing or person who has caused these unwarranted emotions to appear. But in reality, I just want to understand them and know if this is right to feel this way. Should I react like this? Or that? I realize I may be overthinking it, but I can’t help it—it’s my nature.

Eventually, I grow tired of trying to understand and force myself to distance myself from the cause of my emotional distress. I act standoffish and aloof to the point of indifference. I start to lose how to feel as I suppress more and more. However, no matter how much I scream and fight internally, there’s  always a part of me that wants to stop the oppression of emotions and learn how to feel again. I can’t get too excited, I can’t scream out in joy, I can’t reciprocate love for I have lost those abilities. If it continues like this, will I become a robot? Will I become truly apathetic and void?

To be honest, I’m waiting, waiting for my muse to save me? Guide me? Or at least answer me? Actually, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I need it as a spark for my forgotten emotions and serve guide of sorts towards understanding them.

I’m scared to feel, so my emotions stay repressed. But I ache to reach for them again as an outlet, so I don’t live life as a detached person incapable of offering correct emotions to others.

If pride is the root of all sin, then what is the root of all emotions? Tell me, I would like to know

Let’s Share A Memory

Let’s share a memory together

A memory filled with emotions of times gone by

I realize I’m too late to reach you

But with this song I wish to convey

Unspoken words, ideas, and sentiments

My memory begins like a movie

The actors take their places

And perform—captivating the audience

Music plays softly in the background

The opening credits begin to roll

And I—I’m detached from it all

I see you and me and what we could have been

I see you form words of frustration at my careless indifference

You grow tired of my coldness and clumsy words and left

But the truth was…I was listening carefully

Let’s share a memory together

A memory lost in transit by my internal battle

I realize I’m too late to reach you

But with this song, I wish to convey

My unspoken words and sentiments

Speaking was difficult—

You were expressive, I was blunt

Social functions together was difficult

You embraced people, I shunned crowds

Wanting to be more like you

Somehow drew us apart

Your memory fades away like a cherry blossom

It blooms forth bright and young

Only to dissipate in such a short time

My carelessness with myself closed you

You left never fully understanding me

Let’s share a memory together by my internal battle

I realize I’m too late to reach you

But through this I want to convey a lost memory

Filled with unspoken words and sentiments

With gentle expressive love

My Complex

Inferiority complex: Lack of self-worth, a doubt and uncertainty, and feelings of not measuring up to standards.

I can’t get over it. I try, but I can’t and honestly, I kind of want to cry, but what good will that do? I don’t know what to do anymore? They say people with inferiority complex either overcompensate in their achievements or develop anti-social behavior. I’m closer to the latter. Why would I bother to achieve anything when I will fail anyway? I’m not good enough for anything—I suck to put it bluntly. Why am I even here? Is God torturing me by not killing me off? Did I do something bad in a past life?

But what bothers me a lot lately is that this complex is affecting my perception on others. I feel stupid for even liking anything or anyone, for trusting them, too. I end up guarding my true feelings and hide under a mask of indifference and cynicism. I don’t want that. They don’t deserve that. They are so so nice and loving. It’s me that deceives. I’m sorry, forgive me…I really hate myself (Don’t exist then).

Ominous Snow

The first snowfall was met with a bitter apprehension I couldn’t place. It was innocent enough—pure and white twinkling as it parted with the sky. I observed it by the windowsill holding my warm cocoa and listening to my I-pod. Still, I couldn’t help but feel unsettled by the sudden event. It was too innocuous.

Shivering, I moved to place my drink on the side table beside me only to spill it on the floor. I stared despondently at the slowly spreading liquid as I became aware of the sudden thumping of the snow outside. It grew louder when I bent over to pick up the cup and the sound only grew to a brain-shattering screech that caused me to drop the cup again. Unnerved, I stood up fully and turned around.

Resolutions? Anyone?

I want to try to focus and explore 6 areas this year. I hope to improve in all and possibly find myself as I’ve felt lost and confused lately.

Spiritual: Yes, I do want to try and read and understand the Bible better. I want to be able to pray more and follow my parents lead. TB Joshua will help a lot for this.

Languages: I want to be more diligent in language learning, specifically Japanese and Korean. Try to explore new areas! Pen pals? Friends? Travel? Also, try European languages, specifically Scandinavian (Swedish).

Writing: Try to get better at writing and try writing different genres and things. Maybe shoot for a blog, too?

Medical: For college, my parents really want me to go do something in the medical field, but I’m still not sure…although, there are a lot of interesting careers.

Exercise: Try to be more active and healthy in general. Lose weight, you pig! Dance, pilates, a sport–do something! But don’t push yourself and no unhealthy habits ( no anorexia or bulimia or whatever–no matter how much you want to lose weight!)

Music: Ok, so why not try to explore music a bit more? I’ve looked at my past things from a few years back and my dream/future career was music (surprised me, too). I’ve started to try to write lyrics/lyrical stories and it would be nice to combine fluency (future) in other languages with my lyrics. Explore and try out things new and old!