Giving up on Love

How do you give up love? I want to give up my love for someone. I’m not good enough to love that person. Just anyone else could do it but me.

And I’ve been hurt, please take responsibility.

To give up love is harder than it sounds. Even when you feel disconnected and detached, there’s a fleeting hope that it will be okay and that things will work out. To give up on love is harder than it sounds. Even when you don’t receive that love back the way you want it or how you want it. Love is too hard to give up.

The connection was already established as seen as I lied eyes on you…okay, that’s a lie, it took a while to build up to a level of trust, friendship, love…

I want that moment to happen again…so that I can make sure that we never cross paths.

Love hurts too much to give away. What kind of philosophy is that? But some of us abide by it, actually we unwillingly submit to it. It’s easier to keep on loving someone than to suddenly give up on love.

Heat

The cloudy grey sky matches the storm in my heart. I combat the stress tossed by life and the enemy I created within myself. The rain melts away any possibility of warmth today. I’m caught in the middle of this rain shower known as you.

I receive the heat of a summer’s afternoon

I sweat like melting ice cream

My protector

But why do I still feel cold inside?

 A wintry wind caresses my heart.

Shocked, my heart becomes bitter as the rain turns to a hesitant snow.

You and I confront each other in an unexpected rendezvous.

We avert our gaze, embarrassed to be called one.

I received the heat of a summer’s afternoon

I sweat like melting ice cream

The cold mixes in with the heat

The cocoon cracks–

I feel cold

My refuge is a coffee shop

The cocoa aroma makes me dazed

Black and white emerge in the corners of my vision

I wake up

I receive the heat of a summer’s afternoon

I sweat like melting ice cream

The cocoon opens–releasing the heat

The cold envelops me

I feel warm

You are my rain, my bitter snow, and the wind that cools my heart.

We made the mistake of hurting each other and drifted apart.

We made the present, so let’s come together today for the sake of a warmer tomorrow…

Yin Yang

I hesitate to touch the pale pallor of your skin–a mixture of Yin and Yang. Because I don’t feel worthy, in fact, I feel beneath you. I flinch when my burnt black skin mistakenly touches your snow white hands. I’m sorry, please forgive me. I feel as if I’ve tarnished a beautiful winter landscape. I’m sick, I’m contagious, I’m fatal, so don’t touch me. I don’t want to ruin you. I want you to remain pure and stay as you are. I could never match up, never compete, never ever receive the warmth and security of your touch. Because I don’t deserve it nor do I want to harm you. If you are still willing, then I can’t be the one. I can’t be the one to infect you. I want your image to be preserved nor defiled by someone as small as me. I’m sorry but I can’t be the Yin to your Yang…

Voice

Your voice first caught my attention as I walked down my path of memories. It wasn’t too deep or lilting. Neither harsh or soft. It was a voice that could lull me to sleep, but also comfort me in my most depressing days. Your voice feels secure, warm as if I’ve returned to my mother’s womb–a safe haven that alone can protect me from the dangers of this cynical and scrutinizing world. But that same voice offers advice and intellect to take on tomorrow.

I close my eyes shut when tears threaten to fall, when I’m tired of seeing, and when I want to disappear. But your voice sends warm shivers throughout my body and I recall the original affinity I felt from it. My emotions from that time resurge and energize me. It’s wonderful and I feel safe, better yet, I feel loved and wanted. This voice won’t hurt me, won’t judge me, and won’t shun me–I open my eyes.

Sleepy Hollow

October is ending soon, only about a week left…my birthday in a few days…Halloween around the corner and I feel discontent about some things.

Honestly, I don’t know what to write, I’m just writing. I want to be heard and answered, but only silence rears its head in my direction. I feel lost, confused, and ignored. Worst of all, my inferiority complex is flaring up again like an acne infection. I don’t know what to do and it’s too early in the morning for this (approx. 3 AM) and I’m stressed.

Perhaps, sleep will help? I’m not sure. Somehow, as I listen to the video in front of me, I feel even more small, more inferior, and more lost on a mental level.

That’s okay, that’s okay…you are okay, but am I okay?

I need some sleep…everything will be fine when I wake up…hopefully.

Tangent on Positivity

Positivity doesn’t have to be something that’s hard to obtain. I believe it’s easy to be crushed by the pressures and stress society and the people around us push on us. Because of this, it may be easy only to look on the dark side of things and the demand only increases as the years pass.

But why does it have to be like this? I want to enjoy life, be happy-go-lucky and literally explode with euphoria. However, I fight with the temptation to drown in negativity, I’m struggling with the weight of the world on my shoulders, and tomorrow looks bleak, empty, and melancholic.

No, I can’t drown, nor should I just concede to the stress of negativity. That would be death. Because that’s not really living. Being positive isn’t hard, it may seem like it, but it’s not. But how to do it?

How to be positive (in no particular order)

  • Enjoy life’s little pleasures (ex: the warmth of the sun, waking up in the morning, flowers blooming near the sidewalk)
  • It could ALWAYS be worse
  • Comedy/Humor (exploit it!)
  • Music (listen to your favorite song/artists or listen to something completely nonsensical)
  • Indulge in your favorite hobby
  • Eat your favorite food
  • Talk to someone you are close with
  • Daydream
  • Create something/Be hands-on
  • Play with a pet (dog/puppy, cat/kitten, ferret, pig, etc.)
  • Don’t stick to negative thoughts no matter how tempting. Nothing comes from it.
  • Write or type it out (Like how I’m doing!)
  • Remind yourself that you are NEVER alone in this (I mean come on, there are 7 BILLION people on this planet. Chances are someone else is going through something similar or the same as you!)
  • Pray (even if you aren’t that religious, but I’m not forcing you)

My Lost Drug

The wind caresses the last words you spoke to me

Our final parting was bittersweet with only me regretting those last memories

I couldn’t say how I really felt-

And now only your scent lingers

Truthfully, I was afraid

No, more than afraid, I was frightened

I loved you, but not enough to know you

I loved you and your onlys

Your glance that stopped my heart

Your voice that lulled me to sleep

But I never took the time to comprehend what they truly meant

When you left, my life became meaningless

Your scent, your smile, your warmth

I feel you everywhere no matter where or when, I’m constantly reminded of you

I’m frozen in a sea of lost memories

Drowning as I cling onto these drugs

Why can’t I let you go?

The more I fell in love,

The more I learned about you,

The more emotionally invested I became in you

That scared me–paralyzed me. Why?

I was frightened to know the real you

I didn’t want to be rejected

Only 1 out of many you will meet on this journey

My chest throbs knowing I already lost you

When you left, my life became meaningless

Your scent, your smile, your warmth

I feel you everywhere no matter where or when,

I’m constantly reminded of you

I’m frozen in a sea of lost memories

Drowning as I cling onto these drugs

Why can’t I let go?

Lately, I’ve been able to forget about you

But one familiar touch, one familiar laugh

Unleashes pent up sentiments

What you’re doing?

Where are you?

Do you think of me?

I desperately want to feel your warmth again

But the connection is severed

When you left, my life became meaningless

Your scent, your smile, your warmth

I feel you everywhere no matter where or when,

I’m constantly reminded of you

I’m frozen in a sea of lost memories

Drowning as I cling onto these drugs

Why can’t I let go?

Why? My heart still doesn’t understand.